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Veep: The Episode’s Best Insults

by Ethan Alter April 29, 2013 8:00 am
<i>Veep</i>: The Episode’s Best Insults

Zero Dark Veep? That could have been the title of this week's episode, "Hostages," in which the administration finally did something about that Uzbekistan hostage crisis that's been simmering on the backburner since the premiere.

That something was a Special Ops-led rescue mission that Selina Meyer personally penciled in for the 6th, both because it was the earliest possible date and also so that it would steal attention back to her and away from Sue, whose robust appearance as part of a Congressional Hearing on Government Efficiency gave her a distinct size advantage in the daily Washington word cloud. Observing the operation from her own private "shituation room" after swearing in 33 senators and serenading them with terrible small talk, Meyer celebrated a moment of triumph when the hostages were freed, followed up by a moment of despair when she learned that one of the Marines lost his leg two days before he was scheduled to be rotated out. That's the way it goes, Selina: you win some, someone else loses some. On a happier note, here are the episode's funniest insults.

Selina: "No, nothing from Maddox. But he knows I've got a bigger role in the White House now, which means I've got a bigger dick, which means he can suck it. I'm so happy about that."
As a reward for her sterling performance during the run-up to the midterm elections, Meyer has been granted a larger role in foreign affairs, an assignment that results in something of a turf war between her and POTUS's Secretary of Defense, Maddox. But Selina definitely isn't going to be the one to back down from the fight, making it clear she's going to ram her new authority down his throat until he chokes. The hostage situation and her role in it has given her something of a one-track mind, because later during the swearing-in ceremony, she informs one new senator and fishing enthusiast that "We all want the big one, don't we?" Now, now Selina -- there's no need to compare sizes.

Ben: "Wait, you just timed out that whole shit analogy for your little ding? That is fucking pathetic."
Kent Davison is the kind of guy who likes to augment his arguments with data, be they statistics or a cup full of noodles. To explain to Ben and Amy why responding to the hostage situation requires precision timing, he busts out his always-popular (with Jonah, anyway) noodle analogy. He's got to heat his daily serving of noodles in the microwave at 800 watts for 3 minutes and 35 seconds supposedly to avoid them drying out or emerging flaccid. But really, that's the exact length of time his spiel lasts, allowing the microwave's ding to serve as a bit of supposed-to-be impressive punctuation. We agree with Ben... that kind of obnoxious showmanship really is fucking pathetic.

Sue: "Well, I'm guessing that you think you have a sense of humor, Mr. Hessler. Which you are wrong about. As you are about the calendar. That is my definition of robust."
The unflappable Sue experiences a rare moment of flappability when Hessler, the lead interrogator at the Government Efficiency hearing, catches her off guard by asking her about Selina's decision to crash the Defense Secretary's military base visit... a seemingly inefficient use of taxpayer dollars and government resources. Straining for a word to describe their system for avoiding inefficiency, Sue hits upon "robust" -- the same descriptor Selina intends to use in her speech to the soldiers -- and proceeds to use it several more times. It takes being the butt of Hessler's mockery to get Sue back on track and she promptly puts the guy in his place with the above rejoinder. Small wonder she became a Beltway Kardashian overnight.

Ben: "Listen, we all know the White House would work so much better if there wasn't a President, but there is. So we work around that."
When even his Chief of Staff thinks that POTUS is an elephant-sized obstruction, you can't help but wonder how the guy got elected in the first place. But it's probably a good thing he's around, because if he weren't, who is the one whipping boy that everyone else in the administration could bitch and moan about? Besides Jonah, obviously.

Selinea: "This is like explaining gravity to a chicken."
While Sue is off becoming a Congressional superstar, the genial, but humor-challenged Cliff takes over her duties. It quickly becomes apparent that besides lacking Sue's ability to shut idiots the hell down, he also doesn't possess her superior calendar skills, mistakenly informing Selina that there's no major conflicts on the 6th... except, of course, for that whole "swearing in the senators" thing. He can't seem to wrap his head around his fuck-up either, grinning his way through her profanity-laden chewing out and insisting "I'm not sure why my face is doing this." Forget chickens -- with that grin, he looks more like a hyena.

Mike: "Ma'am, some of the prosthetic legs they have these days are as good as real legs. I guarantee you they're better than my shitty legs. I hate my legs. In fact, if I had the choice..."
Good on Mike for turning the insult cannon on himself to try and cheer his boss up, but maybe he should have thought this slam through a little more. Putting yourself down only works if you make the other person feel better, not worse.

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