BLOGS

The Telefile
<i>Family Tools</i>: The Worst Moments of the Pilot

This show is so terribly written and not funny that it doesn't warrant a real review -- except that I will say that it's obviously trying quite hard to be an Arrested Development rip-off with its characters -- but rather, a list of the moments from the pilot episode that made me cringe So, without further ado...

0:26 Terry (Lea Remini) saying, "Sometimes 'family' means locking out emergency personnel until your uncle promises to work on his heart health."

0:40 "I'm a healthcare professional!" "You're a masseuse!"

1:30 "Something about it says he really needs me!" [Text message: "I NEED YOU"]

3:37 The music cue when Jack (Kyle Bornheimer) finds out he's going to be roommates with his 15-year-old cousin.

4:45 Tony's (J.K. Simmons) heart monitor rising as Jack's telling him he'll take over the family business.

5:36 The introduction of the business's assistant's sister (Danielle Nicolet), who you know will end up with Jack.

6:17 The actual introduction of the business assistant, Darren (Edi Gathegi).

6:47 "Nah, he cool, I left him a sandwich."

7:23 Darren calling Jack "Pimp Juice."

7:34 God, just everything about Darren in general.

8:00 Whatever that interaction was with Darren's friend

8:54 "I called you to re-plank my deck." "Good thing your shirt's tucked in."

10:47 Honestly, there were a bunch of interactions at the hardware store, but my eyes kept glazing over.

11:26 The guy stealing supplies from the van while the neighbor runs Jack over with a go-kart.

11:45 I just want to point out that the only black man on this show so far has been characterized as a dumb, lazy womanizer who smells bad.

13:13 "I got rid of my first husband by pretending to be really bad at sex for three years."

14:28 Darren keeps his coffee in a 40 because he owes a guy money, which is stupider than it is racist, somehow.

15:22 "Quit being a slut, Lees, it makes me ashamed you're my sister."

17:04 Jack fires a nail through his foot with minimal reaction.

17:54 Tony has another heart attack.

19:43 "Turns out, fixing decks is easier than fixing people."

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TAGS: family tools

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