"First Response" may have been light on the insults, but the self-deprecating comments and crude observations were at an all-time high.
Amidst her pretty public affair with Andrew and the handful of ugly positions the POTUS has gotten Selina into lately, the timing of guest stars Allison Janney and Ptolemy Slocum as a notorious softball journalist and her director/producer/lover, respectively, was brilliant. Where Selina was ready to have an interview that didn't make it look completely terrible, Janet Ryland (Janney) was set to feign a puff piece until Selina was off-guard, and then turn it into a roast -- a "bluff puff/rough puff," if you will. Selina of course fumbled through the entire conversation, which featured multiple questions about the American spy, the government shutdown, her relationship with Catherine (who did an excellent job dodging what questions she could, standing her vegetarian ground and dumping her boyfriend on national TV) and a freshly leaked email from Andrew to a lobbyist about his "access ;)" to the Veep. Thankfully, a pep talk from Dan helped her switch gears, but a very candid entrance from Jonah with the news that the shutdown was resolved didn't hurt, either. Meanwhile, it was just plain fun to watch Amy nearly strangle Slocum's character. Here are the funniest lines of the episode.
On Janet: "She's wearing a navy jacket. It's conservative and desperate at the same time... it's all of it."
On Selina: "She's wearing a bluish dress, like she vomited flowers all over herself. She's kinda a frumpy librarian."
Nothing like two high school friends catching up in attempts to exploit the other one for their career, and dragging in their dedicated staff along the way.
Mike: "Put your hands in your pockets."
Selina: "It looks like I'm masturbating if I've got my hands in my pockets."
Dan: "Yeah, put that blanket over it -- or is that too FDR?"
While she didn't exactly have a wardrobe malfunction, Selina learned the painful lesson that many women run into when sitting down in a cute pocketed dress -- beware of the dreaded material bunch. Gary later suggested Selina rest her hands over the area, but the Veep was quick to point out that she looked like she had a stomach ache that way. Oh, the injustices of fashion.
Janet: "Is this house haunted?"
Selina: "Oh god, I don't know. I hate this house, to tell you the truth. It's like living in a doll's jail."
Janet could make very good money selling the outtakes of her interview -- though you'd have to take out a ton of shots of Mike, Amy and Gary's hand passing through the camera view and yelling, "Cut!" In any event, seeing the two women have a blunt chat with their backs to the camera in order to make it look like they were talking about the house -- it's all for b-roll, you see, and no audio was actually taken -- was a delight.
Amy: "Jesus, you might as well, like, cut out eyeholes and peer through a fucking newspaper. What the fuck are you doing?"
To get Amy's attention to tell her about Janet's intentions to drop an Andrew-shaped bomb on Selina, Mike called her cell... from three feet away. If things don't work out at the Veep office, he should consider a position at the CIA.
Selina: "We don't have a front door in our attic like in some sort of Dr. Seuss book or something."
Rule No. 1 when staging an entrance: If you don't want the cameras to catch your ex-husband strolling down the staircase outside of your bedroom, don't have him up there in the first place -- before or after.
Jonah: "Knock knock, J-Rock is in the -- oh my god."
Jonah burst through one of the more uncomfortable moments of the conversations while the cameras were rolling, much to everyone's simultaneous annoyance, frustration and relief. He then told Janet about his media appearance availability, mentioning that he gives, "great talking head," just in case you forgot why he's so easy to hate.
Selina: "How 'bout this? How 'bout I lift up my dress, give everyone a big fat shot of my cooch?"
After a particularly brutal cooking segment and dinner gone all kinds of wrong (you know you're in deep water when you start rambling about Michael Jackson's parenting skills), Dan gave Selina the pep talk of a lifetime, telling her that she had to go big and bold, or risk the entire day being a colossal fuck-up. (Or in Mike's words, "Use the force, ma'am.") Fortunately for Selina, this was the perfect time to think back to last week's episode, where she learned she had to take the brunt of the President's blame -- and man, did she go for it in some of the finest sword-kneeling we've seen. Quoth Selina, "I spewed out so much bullshit, I'm gonna need a breath mint."
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