Living here in my post-modern pop culture-referencing Manhattan alcoholic social circle, I too often forget that the vast majority of people on this planet have much better things to do with their lives than read every single bit of entertainment gossip and watch every single TV show and movie that gets made and then regurgitate everything retained from those things in conversation form with their idiot slacker friends day and night.

At one point, professional wrestlers Hulk Hogan and Jesse "The Body" Ventura were on top of the world. Hogan was arguably the face of America in the 1980s, and the star of numerous films that hilariously pointed out how muscular he was. While Ventura's film career was not quite as impressive, he did manage to parlay his frequent appearances in Arnold Schwarzenegger movies into a public seat, acting as governor of the great state of Minnesota from 1999-2003, much to the dismay of Garrison Keillor. But now, with their careers on the decline, they have fallen into the quicksand trap from which there is no escape: reality television.

Reports are everywhere today that previously confidential C.I.A. files are being made public, and they reveal that, among other things, famed French-style chef Julia Child was a spy! Jigga what???? Indeed, it seems that one of the world's most visible TV personalities (and a bona fide giantess at over six feet tall) once worked undercover for the U.S. government as an OSS operative. She and her cohorts apparently "studied military plans, created propaganda, infiltrated enemy ranks and stirred resistance among foreign troops."

The Dancing With the Stars producers have gone from being absolutely nowhere on my radar to the very top of my shit list all in the span of one gossip item. You see, these no-taste-having bastards have rejected the incomparable Dick Smothers from participating in their dog and pony show not once, not twice, but three times! Three times! They obviously don't know talent when it rings thrice.

Noooooooooooooooooo! My very favorite Armenian giantess Khloe Kardashian is going to jail! Apparently KK violated parole for a DUI from a few years back and the mean old judge threw the book at her! I hope her sentence falls in to the Nicole Richie space-time continuum, which would mean that she'd be in jail for a total of about twelve minutes.

I'm trying to look on the bright side of things and see this as wake-up call Hollywood (or at least a producer at E!) needs to give Khloe her own reality show and/or barely fictionalized lady prison movie. The youngest Kardashian girl is the runaway star of the otherwise kind of stupid Keeping Up With The Kardashians. She's feisty ('member the time she started a fight the guy at the car dealership?) and independent (instead of letting her sisters set her up on a blind date, she goes out partying with her girlfriends) and totally hilarious (when she suggests that Kim get her boyfriend Reggie a leopard for their anniversary, when she refers to Bruce Jenner's wang as a "sau-seeej"). This is a woman who's time has come. Kim might have the booty, but Khloe has the brains, and when gravity fails, what would you rather be watching on your HDTV?

Holy bleep! Gossip Girl spin-off you guys. According to The Hollywood Reporter, the show's creators are in the midst of developing a new series that will likely be based on Taylor Momsen's Jenny Humphrey character, who, in the book series, packs off to boarding school after one too many vain attempt to fit in with the cool kids. I never read the sub-series It Girl on which the new show is said to be based, so I don't know where said boarding school will be located, but assuming it's in a rural area, which many a schmancy Eastern boarding school is, expect the kids to engage in some creative forms of recreation. I went to boarding school my senior year in the middle of bumble-fuck Michigan, and I think it's safe to say that what happens in these bizarre hormone-drenched microcosms is just as wacky, if not wackier than the shit that goes down within the world of privileged city kids. In fact, I fully expect it to be GG on steroids -- eating disorders, gay (and Gay 'Til Graduation) characters galore, and drug use that I'll be charitable in describing as "innovative." (Ever huffed Glade? That's what happens when you're 500 miles from the nearest pot dealer.)

Glutton for punishment (and Broadway junkie) that I am, I felt compelled to tune into the premiere of Legally Blonde The Musical: The Search for Elle Woods last night. While this new reality series, which will make the hopes and dreams of one lucky perky wannabe actress come true, it is not living up to my fantasy Broadway reality casting show (which looks something like A Chorus Line) it is far better than the Grease: You're The One That I Want drek that was pawned off on unsuspecting Americans looking for a good cheery American Idol-esque show last summer.

Rooster McConaughey is a shining light of inspiration, and there should be some sort of Nobel Peace Prize for him. Like all the great human rights activists before him, Rooster's tireless and fearless efforts (to become famous) have opened doors for the less fortunate everywhere. By "less fortunate", I mean the less talented and far less attractive siblings of celebrities. And don't give me any crap like, "Oh, but what about Randy Quaid?" or, "I actually bought Solange's album and it's not that bad", or "Hey, Billy Baldwin's in pictures!" No! As far as I'm concerned, Rooster is the only hero here.