The Telefile
American Horror Story: This Week's Freakiest and Funniest Moments

And here we thought American Horror Story was going to keep teasing us about Tate's involvement in that school shooting incident for at least a few more episodes. But no, the show's sixth episode, "Piggy Piggy," opened with an extended recreation of that horrific event, in which the world's creepiest boy next door shot his way into his high school library and proceeded to murder, in extremely cold blood, the five students hiding there. Later that day, Tate was gunned down by the police in his bedroom at the Murder House, where he was living at the time along with his mother Constance and sister Addie. Although we had suspected that Tate had been a ghost all along, it was news to his girlfriend Violet, who understandably freaked out and made another suicide attempt that her phantom paramour saved her from in the nick of time. It's certainly not like her parents were offering their daughter much help -- Vivien's still hung up on the baby (at least, that's what we hope it is...) growing in her uterus, while Ben found himself preoccupied with a new patient (played by Modern Family Emmy winner Eric Stonestreet) and his estranged wife's too-cozy relationship with Morris Chestnut's studly security guard. Not that he has much of a leg to stand on when it comes to maintaining the sanctity of their marriage -- after all, the evidence of his indiscretion is still buried underneath the gazebo in the backyard.

Freaky: Shoot To Kill
While not quite as disturbingly stylish as the massacre depicted in Gus Van Sant's Colombine-inspired Elephant, Tate's shooting spree was still quite unnerving, primarily due to the merciless way he executed his random targets without a word. (Incidentally, that doesn't entirely square with what one of the dead students said last week. By her account, he asked her whether she believed in God before he pulled the trigger. We're also curious when Tate found the time to wipe off the skull make-up that we saw the shooter sporting in the previous episode. All will be explained soon, we have no doubt.) Almost as frightening was the Travis Bickle move that Tate pulled just before the cops riddled him with bullets, pointing his finger at his head and miming pulling the trigger, a cold smile on his face the entire time.

Funny: At Least It Ain't Ask Jeeves
We always love the brand names that the writers come up with to replace the products they can't/didn't want to pay the extra dough to license. That's why Vivien is using the "Round Search" search engine to read up on her boyfriend's dark past rather than Google. Somehow, the phrase "Just round search it," just doesn't have the same ring.

Freaky and Funny: Paulson Power
Deadwood aside, TV hasn't always been kind to the talented stage actress Sarah Paulson, who was previously trapped on such sinking ships as Studio 60 and that Cupid reboot. But we're already digging her role as tart-tongued medium Billie Dean Howard, the only spirit whisperer Constance trusts to help her understand both of her dead children. In her brief appearance, Paulson displayed a great mixture of menace and slightly maniacal good humor. No wonder she and Constance get along so well.

Freaky: Scary Dreams Are Made of This
Few images are more maternal than an expectant mother rubbing her pregnant belly. And few images are spookier than a small hand stroking said belly from the inside, as if whatever's in there is contemplating a bloodier exit strategy. No wonder Vivien woke up from that dream screaming her head off. Her daughter had an equally upsetting vision a few minutes later, when she pictured herself using a razor blade to make another cut in her arm... and then slicing it across her throat.

Funny: Emasculation Nation
Having already kicked her hubby out of the house, Vivien no longer feels any reason to keep playing nice. So when Ben turns up whining about needing to use his office, she lays into him with a series of insults that visibly make him shrink at least six inches. "I find you disgusting and disappointing as a man," she says with relish, while all of us Ben-haters in the audience shout back at the screen, "You go, girl!"

Freaky: Where's Mitch?
You may never look at Modern Family the same way again after watching Stonestreet's appropriately bedraggled and pitiable appearance as a patient who's so terrified of urban legends like Bloody Mary and Candyman that he can barely function. The latest horror story keeping him up at night is the tale of the Piggyman, a Chicago hog butcher who was torn apart by his own pigs. As the legend goes, if you stand in front of a mirror and say "Here piggy pig pig," he'll appear behind you and carve you up like a piece of pork. Stonestreet's pitch-perfect recitation of this story (seriously, all we needed was a campfire and marshmallows to make us feel like we were back at summer camp) had us thinking twice about looking in a mirror.

Funny: Eating for Two
Constance continues to ply the Harmon family with edibles, this time bringing over a platter full of offal to help Vivien with her morning sickness. Unwrapping the package, she proudly showed Viv a stack of bloody porcine sweetbreads, including the thymus and the pancreas. Because nothing cures nausea than looking at a pile of some pig's raw internal organs.

Freaky: Brain Food
Not since the last scene of Hannibal has a character devoured a raw, bloody brain on camera with such obvious pleasure. Another gift from Constance and served, with love, by Moira, this dish provides Vivien and her unborn child with "the full measure of vitamins." Incidentally, it's pretty freaky how Constance and Moira are suddenly so obsessed with the baby's well-being. "We need that baby," Constance tells Viv at one point, emphasizing the word "need" a little too much for our comfort.

Funny: Dialogue Like This
"Do you think I wanted a bloody Mexican ghost in my bathroom? All I wanted was to improve my tennis game and replace Charlotte Whitney as president of my book club."
"I'm finding it hard to look at your face, because I really, really, really want to bash it in."
"It came from an organic farm. I hear the raw food movement is really taking off."
"The dead can hold a grudge better than most Scorpios."

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