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<i>American Horror Story</i>: This Week’s Freakiest and Funniest Moments

After a few weeks away, American Horror Story co-creator Brad Falchuk returned to write the show's seventh episode, "Open House," which we suspect is the main reason why this was the weakest outing since the second hour, the last one penned by Falchuk and his partner-in-supernatural-crime, Ryan Murphy. The Harmon clan played only a minor role in "Open House" with the spotlight primarily shining on Constance and Larry, The Burn Victim Guy instead. Turns out that these two were once lovers and Larry even planned to leave his wife for the not-so-good widow next door... that is, until she set their bedroom on fire, killing herself and their two girls and giving her philandering husband those hideous scars. (So much for the original story that Larry had spun to Ben, which positioned him as the arsonist.)

The episode's other main plotline involved an Armenian (not Persian!) real estate developer, Joe Escandarian (Amir Arison), who expressed interest in buying the Murder House and tearing it down to make room for a luxury apartment building. While that sounds great to Viv and Ben, the dynamic trio of Constance, Larry and Moira have other ideas. It was all very uninteresting, although the Armenian dude did utter some of the funniest dialogue since the pilot (see below). We've already put "Open House" out of our heads and are eagerly looking forward to next week's pre-Thanksgiving episode that will supposedly delve into the mystery of the so-called "Rubber Man." (At least, that's what we presume, since "Rubber Man" is the title of the freakin' episode.) Here's hoping Falchuk and Murphy handed that plum assignment off to another writer. Hey guys, Jessica Sharzer did an awesome job with "Piggy Piggy"! Just sayin'...

Freaky: Stuck in the Attic With You
Before half his face burned off and he fell out of Constance's affections, Larry was so deeply in love with the honey-voiced temptress that he was literally willing to commit murder on her behalf. Specifically, he's supposed to kill Beau, the deformed boy living in the Murder House attic. So Larry climbs the attic latter under the pretense of playing the kid's favorite game -- rolling a red ball back and forth -- and then tucking him in for the night, while quoting that famous Shakespeare line: "For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come"? (Really, that should have been Beau's tip-off that something wasn't quite right. Then again, he doesn't seem like the savviest chained prisoner around.) As Beau drifts off, Larry grabs a pillow and covers the boy's face, pressing down with all his might. Obviously he wasn't strong enough though, since Constance pays a visit to her "beautiful boy" in the attic at the episode's end. Between that and his messed-up face, it's no wonder that Constance kicked Larry to the curb. [Note: In Larry's defense, it's very possible that Constance was visiting Beau's ghost, especially since he hadn't seemed to have aged since the 1994 smothering incident. -- Ethan]

Funny: Now That's Giving Him The Hard Sell
From the moment he enters the Murder House, Joe's eyes are only for its hot-as-hell maid, Moira (as her young, attractive self, natch). Their innuendo-laced conversation ("I like it deep," indeed) during the open house brings him back to give her a private tour... of his pants. What really made this scene for us was the shot of Moira -- now in the form of Frances Conroy -- exiting the room afterwards and wiping her mouth with a handkerchief. Betcha never saw anything like that on Six Feet Under.

Freaky: We Call Him Sonny Boy
The episode's one standout sequence checked back in with crazy Dr. Montgomery and his equally crazy wife, Nora. Apparently, Charles didn't stop tinkering around with their son's butchered corpse, eventually stitching the baby back together and powering him up with the "beating heart of one of our girls." Nora was so touched by the gesture that she fired a bullet into his skull and then stuck the gun in her own mouth. Okay, show of hands: who thinks that this creature and Beau are one and the same?

Funny: Dr. Tate, Armchair Psychiatrist
After Tate butters up his girlfriend's dad by lying to him about what a big help he's been, Ben goes and proves how ill-suited he actually is for his profession by asking his patient for advice on how to talk to his daughter. Tate responds by bullshitting something about how "Violet isn't a little girl anymore" and how he wishes Ben had been his father, all the while sporting a grin on his face that basically says "I got your number, pal."

Freaky: Say Goodbye To Your Little Friend
Tempting Joe into coming back for another "meal," Young Moira leads him down to the basement and shows him who's boss by separating him from his member. While he's screaming in understandable agony, Larry slips up behind him and wraps a plastic bag around his head. Finally, Constance appears and orders him to finish the job somewhere off the property so that Joe's ghost won't bother them again. Smart move. After all, who would want to spend eternity with that asshole?

Funny: Dialogue Like This
"Fags have such a great eye for detail, don't they?"
"There are a lot of minority men in this city who would like nothing more than to ravage me on this countertop."
"Is there a third option? 'Cause both of you kind of make me want to kill myself."
"I've always heard Persians have big, thick cocks. Something a girl can gnaw on." "Yeah, no teeth though. And I'm not Persian, by the way. I'm Armenian."
"No matter how gruesome or horrible the murder, you can always find somebody out there who'll buy the house."
"I love you." "Ecchhh."
"There are three reasons I deal with women: sex, money or making me sandwiches. And unless you're planning on going into my kitchen and slapping some ham between two slices of bread, this conversation is over."

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