The Telefile
American Horror Story: This Week's Freakiest and Funniest Moments

Hmm... are we positive that wasn't American Horror Story's season finale? Because last night's Tim Minear-scripted episode, "Birth," seemed to wrap up some of the show's more significant ongoing storylines. And yet there is another installment to go ("Afterbirth," natch). Sure you don't want to save some of that material for your sophomore year, Brad and Ryan?

Last night's "Holy shit!" moments included, in order: the Apoco-twins finally being born (with Dr. Montgomery acting as the OB), Violet discovering Tate's transgression with her mom and banishing him from her sight and, last but not least, Vivien joining her dead daughter on the other side. (It was nice to see Connie Britton looking healthy and dolled up again as a ghost after spending so many weeks pale and unkempt in asylum garb.) Meanwhile, medium Billie Dean Howard attempted to diagnose exactly why the Murder House was filled with so many ghosts -- and how to get rid of them -- while the various phantoms conspired to be the ones that got to lay their hands on the little bundles of joy first. In the end, Dr. Montgomery passed the stillborn (or was it...?) body of the first baby (the one Ben fathered) onto his wife Nora, while Constance nabbed the very-much-alive second infant (Tate's offspring) and was cooing over him when Hayden showed up and made it clear that the kid was hers. We do not want to be in the middle of that catfight.

Freaky: Little Man Tate
One day in 1984, while his mom is passed out drunk in front of a vintage episode of Newhart, a super-young Tate wanders into the basement of the Murder House, where he has his first brush with the supernatural, nabbed by an ugly demon child named Thaddeus. Fortunately, the little devil's mother, Nora Montgomery, rescues Tate from her son and tells him how to get rid of mean ol' ghosts: shut your eyes and say "Go away." Not used to such a motherly manner, Tate wells up at her act of kindness and whispers, "I wish you were my Mommy." And with that, Nora has a Mama's Boy willing to do her bidding for the rest of his natural life... and beyond.

Funny: Queer Eye for the Antichrist Kid
Still under the impression that they'll be the ones raising Vivien's twins, Chad and Patrick have taken it upon themselves to fix up the nursery, putting up mobiles and painting the walls. This happy domestic scene is ruined by a steady stream of trash-talking interlopers, though: first Violet and Tate, followed by Constance and, finally, Tate again, who manages to get Patrick to admit that he was thisclose to ditching Chad when their ghostly murderer kept them yoked together forever. That confession instantly puts the kibosh on their My Two Dads arrangement. It's just as well -- that Chinese Red paint job was totally going to clash with the Antichrist's complexion.

Freaky: Roanoke Rap
After raiding L.A. history two weeks ago for that Black Dahlia-themed episode, AHS incorporated a bit of famous American lore -- the mysterious 1590 disappearance of the Roanoke Colony on the coast of what is now North Carolina. In Billie Dean Howard's extremely unreliable version of events, the entire colony perished without explanation and their spirits lingered around to haunt the local Native American tribes. Not at all copacetic with this situation, an elder cast a banishment curse, burning the dead's personal belongings and then uttering a single word which was carved on a tree by the deserted village: "Croatoan." (In actuality, historians have theorized that "Croatoan" refers to "Croatoan Island," where the missing colonists may have sought refuge from whatever drove them away. But there's still no definitive explanation for what went down, which means Roanoke remains America's oldest Unsolved Mystery.) Billie Dean suggests that what worked once may work again, but when Violet attempts to banish Chad with a loud "Croatoan," he just laughs at her. Someone should warn Lifetime that their star psychic is full of bad information.

Funny: Home Birthing Blues
Originally intending to flee to Florida to give birth, Vivien instead goes into labor in the driveway of the Murder House and is escorted inside under extreme duress by Constance. Ben looks even more freaked out about the whole situation than his poor wife, so it's up to Constance to slap him out of his slack-jawed impotent state and get him to man up. As he enters the delivery room, the episode goes full-on Rosemary's Baby, with lots of quick cuts, extreme close-ups and hallucinogenic imagery. It worked when Polanski did it, but this whole sequence struck us as pretty cheesy to be honest. Except for the moment when...

Freaky: Bye Bye Miss American Pie
Vivien shuffled off this mortal coil, leaving Ben down two family members. (That's what you get for being a cheating loser, Dr. Harmon!) It was touching to see mother and daughter reunited, however, as Vivien held a sobbing Violet and softly told her, "I didn't lose my baby." And we hope we don't lose Connie Britton in Season 2 now that her character's dead. Thank goodness that "Croatoan" banishment spell didn't work...

Funny: Dialogue Like This
"It's not 'YouTube' with a 'U,' it's 'YouTube,' Y-O-U."
"You pathetic homos couldn't steal the shit out of your own ass."
"Put your skanky claw on that crib, you'll be pulling away a bloody stump."
"That's why I can't even walk through my own home without tripping over one of your dead offspring."
"Maybe you should have taken a few minutes to get to know me before you stuffed a fireplace poker up my ass."
"Please tell me you'll be slitting the throat of a chicken next, because I've always found that very dramatic."
"Hey, bitches. You get all that slime off my baby yet?"

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