I was a bit worried that Dance Moms would lose its sparkle after the masterpiece that was Season 1, but within the first minute of last night's premiere, I knew I had nothing to worry about: Abby Lee Miller is back, and as twisted as ever. The whole plotline about casting a new girl was completely over the top and cruel, and if I took a shot every time Abby told a child or mother that "Everyone's replaceable," I'd be a goner. Moving forward, the jury's still out on whether "900 Number" Jill and Kendall will be a satisfying addition to the group, but until then, let's all laugh at the most ridiculous -- and, not-so-coincidentally, heinous -- lines of the evening. Shockingly, none of them are from Cathy, but we're got all season for those.
"Everyone wants to see them fail."
--Abby, on the girls. She uttered this sentiment many times in various different ways (often by telling the girls that they're "not that cute"), but I'm still not convinced that being in a no-name singer's music video would prompt extreme competition from children and dance teachers throughout the country. Really, this line -- especially backed up by Jill's comments about avoiding Abby Lee Dance Studio because of the terrible (and accurate) things she had hear about Abby -- just made me feel really bad for the girls. If any of them dances through their adulthood, it'll be a miracle.
"You're not six and under. You're seven and over."
--Abby, to Mackenzie, during practice for their "hot, high-energy jazz routine." In case it's not obvious given the speaker, this was meant as a serious threat. Later, this quote was countered by the adorable and excited Mackenize, who told cameras, "For this number, I'm stuck in a box and I can't get out."
"Your mother could care less about you winning a title."
--Abby, manipulating Nia about her mother, Holly. I love Abby-Holly drama, as it usually is filled with the most insanity.
"My dad even took me to the mother-daughter talk about having your period."
--Abby, in an ultimate TMI moment, to Holly, while telling her what a terrible person she was for being a working mom. Abby also later screamed, "I had a mother and a father, and if they looked at me one time, I knew. One look!" to Kelly, a nonsensical threat about discipline that I still don't entirely understand.
"I would get Abby a three-month trial membership to Weight Watchers, if I were to give her a gift. It's the gift that would keep on giving."
--Christi, epically burning Abby.
"Are you crying? No tears. You save those tears for your pillow, in your room, alone. You're gonna humiliate yourself in front of everyone in this dressing room. Do not cry. Suck it up, kid. You are here, you're healthy, you are one lucky little girl. Act like it."
--Abby to Kendall, just one of the many girls she made cry, despite the fact that they won the stupid competition. I seriously thought that Abby had said "Suck it up, bitch," to her at first, which I honestly wouldn't put past her.
"I don't have to pay on time, I'm Kelly Highland, I've been doing this for 30 years.... You're the reason I don't take Discover anymore."
--Abby to Kelly, to which Kelly replied: "Oh, you are a whore!"
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