If you thought that Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami was the worst reality show to come out of everyone's favorite Spring Break locale, five minutes of last night's premiere of The CW's new reality series The Catalina will have you appreciating the Kardashian spin-off. For those of you who were wise enough to skip it, the show is set at the titular Catalina hotel in Miami and revolves around the antics of the heinous hotel staff, all of whom are attractive, tan and painfully dumb... think Jersey Shore if Snooki, The Situation and the gang had to actually put in real hours at the Shore Store. With not a brain cell to share between the staff, it will truly be amazing if the hotel is able to stay in business before the season finale. Here are some of the best gems the premiere had to offer:
"You see sexy Venezuelan girls, you think to yourself, I'm going to have a good time this weekend."
-- Nathan, the owner of the Catalina, on why he puts Vicky and Karina at the front desk of the hotel. Immediately after he says this to the camera, a hotel guest tosses Vicky over his shoulder and carries her to his room. Hey, it's Miami!
"They call me Russian Baby Killer, which is absurd, because I hate Russians. And Germans. The French are not my favorite either."
-- Morgan, the Polish restaurant manager, explaining how she is both a psycho and a racist in one sentence. She looks like she could be a contestant on America's Next Top Model but would probably murder the other girls for drinking the last of her Crystal Lite. (Other winning phrase: "I stay at the Catalina because I'm a masochist, and I like pain." This is also the reason why many people will continue to watch The Catalina.)
"Vicky and I hung out."
"Like, made out?"
"I mean, we kissed."
"Like kissed, or like, made out?"
"Like kissed. Well, her foot may have grazed my..."
-- A conversation between Kris and Nancy, formerly known as the couple KrisAndNancy, and who probably will return to a united KrisAndNancy by the end of the season. Nancy thought it would be a good idea to get a bartending job at the Catalina with her then-boyfriend Kris. It wasn't. To spare themselves the awkwardness of the situation, the two do shots of tequila behind the bar and attempt to make each other jealous by flirting with guests and kissing other members of the hotel staff, not realizing that no matter how self-destructive or drunk they get, they will never be the next Ronnie and Sammi.
"I love David. He's just a big ball of horny energy".
-- Nancy, about new employee David. It's an accurate description of the hotel rookie who somehow gets away with rubbing tanning oil on unsuspecting guests without having any of them notify the authorities. Somehow the staff finds this endearing.
"What's my preference? My preference is very, very pretty. In any form. I do men, I do women, I do couples... If you're pretty, it's good."
-- Bartender Eyal to a couple he's been serving. Not sure if the couple was propositioning him for the night or what, but it was an awkward moment and I'm beyond glad that it led nowhere. Pretty sure The CW has been banned from using that scenario since Gossip Girl's epically disturbing Vanessa-Dan-Hilary Duff threesome.
"If you're half as good at playing with balls as you are at busting them, we'll be good."
Nathan, in a conversation with the super crazy restaurant manager Morgan. Nathan's comments during the show often border on sexual harassment, but this time he's actually talking about volleyball. Still kind of creepy since it's coming from the guy who described his general manager as having "A-plus cleavage".
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