The Telefile
New Girl: Roommate Do's and Don'ts of the Week

Last night, New Girl returned for Season 2 with two new episodes, "Re-Launch" and "Katie," to mixed results. While I laughed a bunch at "Re-Launch," it was primarily because the roomies were all together; in the second episode, they split apart and that's where the trouble started. In the first, everyone rallied around Schmidt (who had just gotten his penis cast off) and Jess (who had just lost her teaching job) and the weird entangled moments were great. While in "Katie," the storylines about future Nick and about Jess trying to juggle multiple men had their moments, but the whole thing about Winston's family visiting, and Schmidt's offensive behavior towards them, was just plain terrible. Still, there was more good than bad overall.

The Do's:
- Nick singing "Groove Is in the Heart" in the shower.
- Schmidt's shower diaper and Jess' reluctantly helping him scratch and itch: "This is friendship. Pure, unadulterated friendship."
- Schmidt on his non-working penis: "I know what you've been thinking, and the answer is yes, I have been able to reach completion with some very precise and vigorous nipple play."
- Nick's brand being "gypsy alcoholic handyman."
- Nick's delicious fruity drinks that turn Winston weird. And Winston sipping on a drink watching Schmidt play with fire.
- Nick's bartending drink of choice being for coal miners: "Something that says, 'I work in a hole.'"
- Jess on the pity looks: "Schmidt, stop looking at me like I'm a fat kid riding a bike."
- Nick on Jess's inability to serve drinks: "You can't be a shot girl. You don't have that specific hotness that shames men in to spending nine dollars on a two dollar shot."
- Schmidt: "Honey, what happened to you in your life that made you like this?" Casey: "I graduated MIT and then I got in a horrible accident where I lost half my brain."
- Parker Posey dancing.
- The look on Nick's face when the danger sign lights on fire.
- Schmidt's reacting to CeCe's new boyfriend: "The one shaped like the liberty bell?"
- From Schmidt, we'll allow Game of Thrones references: "There's got to be an explanation for this. Like he's the Lord of Winterfell, or he's working with a real piece of pipe."
- Nick's tough love: "This is the easiest job in the world. The only thing easier than this is handing out cigarettes to prisoners. And what if I wanted to take a body shot off of you? I can't because you're wearing a turn-of-the-century bathing costume. So stop feeling sorry for yourself, kid, and get up on that bar and shake that piece of plywood that you call an ass."
- The reappearance of the douchebag jar.
- Nick on Jess's job situation: "If I lost my job a week ago, I'd be deep in a porn hole by now."
- Felt art murals. They could be all the rage.
- Schmidt's time travel dating wish-list: "1. Marie Antoinette, 2. Cleopatra, 3. Young Ann-Margret, 4. Old Ann-Margret."
- The idea of Nick on a jet-ski.
- Nick dancing as Cricket the Leaper.
- Schmidt's sage advice on multiple personalities: "Maybe you should watch a cautionary tale that I like to call The Nutty Professor."
- Schmidt's most irresistible moment: "The night of the Shoshannas."
- This whole convo about Jess's lack of juggling skills between Schmidt and Nick: "You don't have the skill to juggle men."; "You wear a cardigan on top of another cardigan."; "We all know you're not the best with doorknobs."; "You can barely hold one thing in each hand."; "You tripped the other day just standing there."
- Nick to Old Nick: "Now I know why people get annoyed with me. It's hard to talk to us."

- Jess's Indian summer school student was named Vaj Rejuv.
- Schmidt in college with the something up his sleeve being vomit. May we never again see him Schmidting the bed.
- Josh Gad. His whole Bearclaw bit was terrible. Particularly his bearclaw tramp stamp that he did himself in middle school.
- Schmidt hitting on Winston's sister: "It's like they stretched the ugly out of Winston."
- Schmidt on trying to date Winston's sister: "Your sister got so hot, I'm gonna have to Shaq attack her."
- Schmidt's other terrible pick-up line: "A lot of money that I want to deposit in your Tyra Banks."
- Every word that came out of Schmidt's mouth in front of Winston's mother.
- Jess on having hot sex: "I left my body, went up to heaven, saw my grandparents, thought it was weird that I saw my grandparents, came back down, became a werewolf, scared some teenagers, came back into my body... only thing is he thinks my name is Katie and that I'm a dancer and or something involving puppets."
- Lame autocorrect joke: "I can't wait to see your meatbar."
- Sam's hookup proposal to Jess: "I internet date so I don't have to sleep with people I work with."
- Schmidt playing sexy basketball.

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March 2014


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