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New Girl: Roommate Do’s and Don’ts of the Week

by Angel Cohn November 28, 2012 10:55 am
<I>New Girl</I>: Roommate Do’s and Don’ts of the Week

While I hated having to hear anything more about Jess and her ovulation cycle, "Eggs" was probably one of the most all-around funny episodes of this show in a long time. In fact, there are only a handful of things on the Don'ts list this week, though I still really wonder why we haven't seen more of lesbian couple Melissa and Sadie if they are such good friends with Jess. Still, Nick's zombie novel came to fruition and Winston actually had a purpose, so I'm pretty happy about that.

Do's
- Schmidt narrating his sexual encounters with "Flight of the Valkyries" as his theme music. (Even though it was a little weird that he was having such loud sex with Carla Gugino while there were guests over.)
- Nick's ideas on foreplay: "What are you going to do for 20 minutes of foreplay? Boring. Yawn. Am I right ladies?"
- Schmidt pausing sex: "Lesbian baby, congratulations you guys!"
- Winston's adjusted sleeping schedule.
- Curmudgeonly Nick moment of the night: "They're talking about vaginas. I hate it. Take me with you."
- Carla Gugino blowing Schmidt's mind by telling him their sex wasn't good: "The world I once lived in... shattered."
- Nick smashing his laptop to procrastinate working on his book.
- Schmidt giving credit where credit is due: "You are a gynecologist and a lesbian, which makes you a vagenius."
- Schmidt's excitement over his first gynecologist appointment: "Would I have to put my legs up in the stirrups? I'm asking more so out of curiosity than fear. Hashtag excitement."
- The return of the douchebag jar (at least in conversation).
- Cece on children: ""Babies wreck you, Jess. They literally eat your body."
- Jess using her face as a butter knife.
- "That's my ketchup collection."
- Schmidt and Winston both volunteering to father Jess's child: "With your big beautiful blue eyes and my Blair Underwood-like skin, we'd have the most beautiful baby the world has ever seen." "He's not wrong. Get into any school it wants."
- Nick as a dad: "I would love that baby with all my heart. Even if I did show it by picking it up from school in my underwear and hitting on the crossing guard."
- Nick's knowledge of Ernest Hemingway: "I need real life adventure like Ernest Hemingway had at my age. I've got to run with the bulls. I've got to kill a man with my bare hands after making sweet love to him and then sleep in the warm belly of his horse. I've got to eat my way out of a sandwich house."
- Sadie (June Diane Raphael) and Schmidt can go euphemism for euphemism about oral sex on a woman. "Arrive at the bridge and meet the troll and answer his riddles three."
- Carla Gugino's sex fantasy: ""I played out your most secret fantasy: French maid handyman meets Studio 54 busboy."
- Jess' conversation with the rhino Rhonda. "I have a lot of eggs... unfortunately I don't have a lot of sausage."
- Everything involving Z Is for Zombie, from the word search (without actual words) to Winston's reading of it to the fact that Nick wrote it in 14 hours (he even peed in bottles even though the bathroom's nearby) to the mandatory racism to rhythm being spelled wrong. "I'm just letting you know the black guy dies early. Don't take offense, it's a staple of the genre."

Don'ts
- Words that should never be uttered again: "It's like the vagina Helen Mirren."
- Jess's obsession with her weird eggs and evil eggs. And her yelling "Fertilize me, Los Angeles" and "Give my nipples a purpose" out the window.
- Jess not understanding how things work: "Once at a senior graduation party, I sat in a very hot Jacuzzi for 12 hours. Do you think there's any chance that I sunny-side-upped my eggs?"
- Jess/Nick on why "being a woman sucks." Didn't we just have this conversation a few weeks ago when she was getting her period?
- Sadie falling for Schmidt's charms: "It's the baby hormones. They are not as gay as me."
- Cece suddenly wanting a child. And a doctor letting two friends come in to have a conversation about personal reproductive matters.

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