If you saw The Social Network and decided to devote your life to becoming the next Mark Zuckerberg, the new Bravo series Start-Ups: Silicon Valley will probably cure you of that dream pretty quickly. The show may throw out buzzy tech words like social network and unique visitors, but make no mistake -- it's the usual Bravo recipe of overprivileged, aggressively obnoxious white people squabbling with each other over real (though incredibly minor) and imagined conflicts. Even by the network's standards, they've rounded up quite the motley crew here, recruiting six of the most hateable people in all of Silicon Valley to be part of the show. Here's the rundown on the folks who most definitely won't be the next Zuckerberg.
Profession: Entrepreneur, with 43 (or so he claims) businesses to his credit. His latest venture is Ignite, a health and lifestyle related app.
Skills: Speaking in an adorable British accent; filling out Roman armor get-up; sleeping with his sister's enemy; ironing; overdressing for the occasion; being laid-back to the point of laziness; feeling slighted for no good reason; cutting his sister off in mid-pitch; feeling disrespected for no good reason; disproving his theory that he's a great pitchman by delivering a terrible product pitch.
Bravo Type: The bland Euro boytoy
Hate Factor: 6. His sister's terrible behavior overshadowed his own in the premiere, but the way he keeps trying to cozy up to Hermione's nemesis, Sarah, shows that he's plenty hateful in his own right.
Defining Line: "I still haven't finished the presentation. There's only a few quotes I've got to throw in, but I don't really have time."
Profession: Journalist and sometime-entrepreneur, who is working with her brother on Ignite, while also blogging for Newspepper.
Skills: Holding a grudge; sleeping on the job in odd places; constantly feeling disrespected; turning the phrase "all due respect" into an insult; critiquing another person's reality; underdressing for the occasion.
Bravo Type: The "exotic" foreign blonde
Hate Factor: 8. We're already dreading the way the Hermione/Sarah feud is going to drive the rest of the season. And while Sarah is obviously the more hateable of the two, Hermione's exudes a general know-it-all aura that's incredibly off-putting... especially when her ill-advised decision to take a pre-pitch meeting nap reveals that she doesn't actually know all that much.
Defining Line: "Oh my god, sleep!"
Profession: Video "journalist" for Pop17 and Grade-A beeyotch.
Skills: Being horrible to people; convincing people to give her things for free (like extended hotel stays and tickets to South by Southwest); pointing in front of greenscreens; taking two hours to get ready for work, longer for parties; sending unprofessional e-mails that cause major snit fits; making false promises; and in general stirring shit up.
Bravo Type: The worst person alive
Hate Factor: 9. Self-absorbed, in love with her own reflection and remarkably clueless about the way her actions impact others, this chick is like Charlize Theron's character in Young Adult come to terrifying life.
Defining Line: "I got so many haters."
Profession: Director of Sales and Marketing at Ampush Media, which "optimizes Facebook ads"... whatever that means. They sure make a lot of money doing it, though.
Skills: Enabling a friend's obvious alcohol problem; making catty comments about her old Midwestern pals; simultaneously poking fun at the Midwest while also using her upbringing to show why he's better than Silicon Valley's native population; avoiding the feuding blonde women.
Bravo Type: The bitchy one who isn't blonde.
Hate Factor: 7. Kim seems to be one of those people who seems to think that she's a lot more daring and cool than she actually is and it's that cocky attitude that makes her so easy to hate even if she doesn't do anything especially hateable. For that matter, she doesn't seem to do anything at all.
Defining Line: "I think sometimes people can be really taken aback by how opinionated I am. But I really don't give a shit."
Profession: The most elusive job of all (at least on this show): an honest-to-god computer programmer. Founded the automotive search engine Carsabi.
Skills: Dropping Star Trek references to enhance his geek cred; finding parties filled with the people who actually make Silicon Valley happen -- nerds; arguing about algorithms while dressed in a toga chugging from a bottle; maintaining the charade that his glaringly apparent alcoholism is just him having a good time.
Bravo Type: The scruffy (yet still attractive) guy
Hate Factor: 5. We actually feel more pity than hatred for Dwight. Somebody get this guy to an AA meeting or a screening of Flight, pronto.
Defining Line: "I can afford beer and I have a mattress. What more do I need?"
Profession: A reluctant programmer, professional gadfly and founder of the self-help app Goal Sponsors.
Skills: The ability to subject his body to numerous makeover surgeries and procedures; air-kissing; nabbing student awards; using the word "super-awesome" without irony; egging on his blonde friend to say mean things about her blonde enemy.
Bravo Type: The flamboyant gay dude
Hate Factor: 7. Although the story of his weight loss made him vaguely sympathetic for like a second (and also made him sound like Silicon Valley's resident Schmidt), he quickly reverted to his stereotype, coming across like a low-rent Carson Kressley. If he'd stop trying so hard, he might actually be likeable.
Defining Line: "Are you saying I'm too gay to be a programmer?"
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