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Louis C.K.: Oh My God: Five Jokes That Should Be Louie Sketches

Oh My God isn't the best Louis C.K. standup special thus far, but it's still funny and worth watching (and even worth paying $5 for, when that option opens up). It's also something to fill the void until Louie comes back in Spring 2014 -- we know that C.K. doesn't put the material from his stand-up (especially not the specials) into his FX show, but if you close your eyes and play pretend, it's fun to stage the following jokes from the special in your head with some beloved '90s actors, or what have you:

The Old Lady and Her Dog
Just Louie walking around the Village, happening upon this scene of a super-old woman and her super-old dog, both with cloudy eyes and gross legs, which grosses him out so much that he vomits on the street then and there.

A Day at the Aquarium
Louie out with his girls looking at seals/sea lions or whatever, and then the beasts make their alarmingly grotesque noise, causing Jane to burst into tears. (Also, if you've never experienced the horror of what animals actually sound like, I highly suggested this video, which never fails to make me laugh out loud.)

A Day in the Courtyard
Shortly after moving into a fancy building, Louie spends a Sunday sitting on a private bench in disarray, tricking all of his wealthy new neighbors into believing that he's just a non-resident having a tough time. On the show, it'd probably be likely that all of the people die of a frustration-induced heart attack, or the police come and still don't believe that Louie actually lives in the building and then arrest him.

Tits
During a first date that's actually going pretty well, Louie's getting hot and heavy in the back of a cab. Moments after squeezing her left boob, the woman demands the driver pull over, and then makes Louie get out of the cab, no explanation given. He begins walking home, completely confused, but mainly filled with the insatiable urge to even out the tit-squeezing symmetry.

Future Star
Louie's enjoying Lilly's dance recital, but can't get over how all of the other parents are watching the performances through their camera phones. He goes home, gets drunk and passes out while eating a French cruller in his underwear.

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