This new imported SyFy series is based on a series of popular fantasy novels that look like that they should be classified as YA, so maybe we should grade on a curve. But Pretty Little Liars and Vampire Diaries have proved that books popular with teen readers can make for engaging television, while even Teen Wolf has demonstrated that you can take a light goofy movie and turn it into a dark and twisty TV show that can be watchable for audiences of many ages instead of just the younger demo. But this new show lacks the emotional resonance of any of those shows. It takes itself far too seriously to be any fun, like Teen Wolf and seems really low on the soapy drama and over the top antics that make PLL and Vampire Diaries tick. Instead we just get a show about a female werewolf who is trying to run away from her pack, and gets called back home when a "mutt" starts killing. We actually laughed out loud at one of the scenes of someone being attacked by a terribly CGI'd wolf, and that was only one of the most ridiculous things about the premiere of this show.
Elena's Eating Habits
We're guessing there's some wolf-y caloric explanation for the sheer amount of carbs she eats (while still maintaining Laura Vandervoort's lovely figure), and we could look past that, but if we're supposed to be buying her as a lovely young woman who has successfully acclimated to city living, we doubt she'd eat chicken teriyaki at a fancy party by shoveling it in her face without taking small bites. Or that this savage girl just takes giant sandwiches off a plate and stuffs them in her purse without even wrapping them in a napkin? No one wants mayo on the inside of their $500 dollar purse. Even a werewolf.
First off, we may have gotten used to our werewolves just tearing through their clothing, so to see Elena daintily taking off her expensive looking underwear in an alley by a dumpster while in the middle of a painful transformation was pretty hysterical. And we were shocked that when she returned from her jaunt a few hours later no one had taken her pricey shoes or dress off the street. They were just laying there, like no big deal.
The Werewolf Therapist
We later learn that Logan is part of her "family" and a werewolf himself, but he mostly seems to be her sounding board for her attempts to integrate her life in the Stonehaven enclave with her modern life in Toronto. He also advises her to run with him (and yes, he means in wolf form) but it comes off like he's her personal trainer as well as therapist.
Her Crappy Photography
She's a recluse photographer who has seemingly regular showings at Diane's gallery, but she refuses to come to the openings. But her work is close ups of the human body done in black and white, but done with not enough contrast to make them look like more than blurry ultrasound pictures. Whoever had to take those should take some digital editing classes.
The Crappy Special Effects
Well, this one was expected, but when her fingers started pulsing to signify she was going to transform, it was some of the worst funhouse mirror CGI we've seen in a very long time. And we watch a lot of shows with terrible CGI (see: Once Upon a Time in Wonderland).
The Hot Professor
The shaggy haired guy who has a class filled with women who are drooling over him and his low voice. Pretty laughable. Especially since he's an expert in human behavior and turns out to be part of Elena's pack as well. And he teaches at the stupidly named "University of Upstate New York".
Sex Brings Out Her Inner Beast
Because we haven't seen that a million times before, we had to watch Elena leave her boyfriend mid-coitus so she didn't wolf out on him and kill him during sex. She should meet Zoe from American Horror Story: Coven. Bet they'd have a ton of stories to share.
She Clearly Doesn't Understand Cell Phones
Her boyfriend's mom doesn't really like her all that much, so instead of turning her phone off or putting it on silent during the award ceremony where Phillip is getting recognized for some marketing thing, she not only gets an intrusive call, but gets up to take it mid-speech. We're pretty sure she could have hit ignore and called back 45 seconds later.
Boyfriend Knows/Cares Zero About Her Life
She makes up some lie about her cousin and reveals to Phillip that Logan isn't only her shrink, but also a relative… and he's like "you have a family?" Like he fully believed that his girlfriend was raised by wolves… oh, wait. But still, they seem to live together (or at least she's sleeping over on the regular) and he never thought to ask her where she is from, or if she has any living family, when he has a family who is overly involved in the details of his life? It's strange. And add to that the fact that he doesn't even offer to drive her home to her family, or help out with her injured cousin. It seems he kind of sucks as a boyfriend.
She's Their Only Hope
So after some human gets mauled to death by an unrecognizable "mutt", the family reconvenes at Stonehaven, and it is a bunch of beefy looking man/wolves. And yet they all just stand around this giant place and seem to do little to no research on who the "mutt" may be, even though he's passed right next to them on occasion. And they insist that the "need" Elena to come home to solve this mystery. The press notes and book cover insist that it’s a big deal that she's the only female werewolf in existence, so maybe that's why it is such a big deal that these lazy guys need her to help them do a job that it seems like they could do with just maybe one or two of them, but that's barely addressed in the pilot.
The Special Senses
Sometimes she has extra special wolf hearing and can eavesdrop on conversations across crowded bars, other times it seems like Phillip sneaks up on her. Her heighten sense of smell and hearing don't alert her to his presence if she's daydreaming?
What did you think of Bitten? Sound off below.
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