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Mixology: Kill It With Fire

by Aly Semigran February 27, 2014 6:00 am
<i>Mixology</i>: Kill It With Fire

Screw Mixology. Screw Mixology and its misogynistic, chest-thumping, dick-measuring, outdated, mind-blowingly unfunny and downright offensive take on sex and dating in your 20s and 30s. The concept may be unconventional by traditional sitcom standards (ten strangers at the same New York City bar having various interactions in one single night), but the execution is as lame and stupid as anything you've ever seen on television. I'm still seething.

The pilot primarily focuses around a recently-dumped sensitive nice guy named Tom (Blake Lee) and the woman he's hitting on, a rough-around-the-edges man-eating type-A lawyer named Maya (Ginger Gonzaga). Tom is a "wimp," you see, and we know this because he is constantly berated by his knuckle-dragging buddies for not wanting to CRUSH TAIL ALL DAY EVERYDAY, WOMEN ARE HERE FOR OUR PLEASURE, YOU IDIOT. We also know Tom is a total pussy, bro because he is still reeling over the fact that his fiancé dumped him out of the blue for no other reason than she couldn't stand the look of his face anymore. Buck up, you sissy! Bitches are gonna be bitches.

But, hold on, before we continue with what a total wet blanket Tom is for having emotions, let's reflect on the people he chooses to surround himself with. This seemingly timid fellow is friends, for some reason, with a dude named Bruce (Andrew Santino). Bruce prides himself on all of his knowledge about women. Women, according to Bruce, are now loose and "will sleep with anything" thanks to Sex and the City and Tom's ex is nothing more than a "pig fart." Here are some of Bruce's other gems and pearls of wisdom:

- "That waitress is so hot. I kinda wanna eat off her butt."

- "Girls who wear flats are never trying to get laid. The higher the heels, the looser she feels."

- "I thought she was a whore… I didn’t think you were gonna marry her."

- "You'll start banging super-questionable, shallow girls. You'll hate yourself afterwards, but then you'll meet someone, dude."

- "Look at that chick over there throwing up… I'm gonna bang her out."

That's not even half of them. I left out the rape joke, and the masturbation line, and the gag about how his black friend looks like a non-threatening black guy. I mean, some things are just too hilarious that I wouldn't be able to do them justice. (For what it's worth, this show is co-executive produced by Ryan Seacrest and comes from the writers of The Hangover and 21 and Over.) I'm legitimately curious as to why characters like this continue to exist. These men are not cautionary tales (he's totally getting laid, dude, and has plenty of friends, bro), nor do they seem to have any sense of self-awareness about themselves. It would be one thing if it was an ironic twist on these types of actually really dangerous people, but they are not. They are reveling in their ugly, stupid douchiness, but it somehow gets labeled as "outrageous" or "un-PC." No, they're Neanderthals pawned off as a lazy, unfunny punchline machine, plain and simple.

Ah, but I'm ignoring poor Maya, the second half of this story. On paper, Maya is a brassy, no-nonsense lady who gets what she wants in life. That's good, right? Actually, she's "mean" and the "biggest bitch I've ever met" who only dates professional athletes like Keyshawn Johnson (who makes a cameo) because they are the only real men. None of that sensitive crap that guys like Tom are dishing out. Women hate that! Maya sighs at work one day about one of her totally lame, timid male coworkers: "If I talked to Don Draper like that he would smack me in the mouth. That’s a real man." What. In. The. Actual. Hell.

Tom eventually gets the nerve to go up and talk to Maya at the bar (both of their backstories are also briefly given to us to shed some light on their paper-thin personalities; he's a momma's boy and she's a tomboy) and she spends the majority of their conversation belittling his lack of masculinity. "I'm a man, respect my balls," she explains. Eventually she gives her his number anyway and later shoots him a dreamy-eyed look. Boy, will she be disappointed when he doesn't smack her around!

But Maya giving in to what Tom wants isn't the only time something like that happens in the pilot. One of the storylines briefly follows a sexy baby-voiced waitress named Kacey (Vanessa Lengies) who repeatedly breaks up with her bartender boyfriend Dominic (Adan Canto.) Dominic could care less that he's been dumped and -- this is important -- he doesn't even remember the name of the girl he's been seeing. By the end of the episode, Dominic and whatever her name is (I mean, who cares, right?!) are going at it like animals.

Elsewhere, there's a sassy, 30-something ("I feel like Helen Mirren") named Jessica (Alexis Carra) waiting -- with the company of her sister Janey (Sarah Bolger) -- to go on a blind date with a fellow named Ron (Adam Campbell). Well, not completely a blind date; Ron has sent Jessica pictures of his penis, and she's sent X-rated pics back. But Jessica assures her horrified sister that sending dirty pictures over the phone to an almost complete stranger is "good manners… it's like shaking hands." She's not worried about the consequences of that because she's out to find a man who is "crazy enough to marry me." Anyway, Ron shows up, proceeds to puke in Jessica's purse, explains he lost a lot of money at work and takes off without so much as offering to help her clean out her bag. Jessica is wooed by the puking, dick pic-sending (but he's British!) Ron and brings him water and a voiceover tells us this is the beginning of a night of romance.

So apparently, Season 1 will be ten episodes that will revolve around the ten various awful people we've met in the pilot. Which begs the question, "What happens next seas—" You know what, never mind. I don't even care. I don't care to know what happens to all of these terrible, wildly unrealistic people at the end of this evening, or anything that might happen to them afterwards. Mixology is trying to pawn itself off as the Lost of sitcoms, what with its intertwining storylines and "mysterious" backstories that brought them all together. Though, I guess that's sort of fair comparison, because this vile garbage definitely feels like it could be somewhere between hell and purgatory.

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