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The Telefile
<I>New Girl</i>: Roommate Do’s and Don’ts of the Week

While I had a bunch of problems with last week's episode, "Cooler" was almost entirely fantastic. And not just because it finally addressed all of the Nick/Jess 'shippers out there in the universe, but because it revived the wonderful game True American. A game only rivaled by Calvinball in my opinion, and I'd very much like to play if ever I can figure out the rules and/or have enough drunken history buff friends around. Anyway, with all that said, here's why this episode did 97 percent of the right things.

Do's
- Nick was in a woman's trenchcoat: "And it has room for your hips."
- Schmidt having trouble self-pleasuring, even with the door wide open: "I even bought myself a sexy pair of underpants to spice things up."
- Jess optimistically wanting to go help the guys get their collective groove back: "World's best wingwoman, reporting for duty."
- Jess finding out that she's a cooler, putting a damper on all things sexual: "All I do is help you get laid, Nick. "
- Honesty is the best policy: "It's not you, it's the way that you behave and the look on your face... it is you. You're the cooler."
- Pre-game bathroom dance party: "Get crunk with us bro. "
- Schmidt and his antiquted language: "I can't believe you got us kicked out of the discotheque." - Jess being bored and making a stuffed Nick, then running around the house with no bottoms and no top and doing Olympic reenactments.
- The term: "Bitch blankey"
Holly (Brooklyn Decker) who really likes sad guys and Nick and Schmidt trying to out-sad each other: "He's really happy. He's got a 401K and a six-pack."
- Brooklyn Decker in general in this episode. Pretty great and not at all as distracting as I had feared she would be.
- How Jess finally convinces Nick that she's really scared: "I think it might be gang-related. I've always been worried about my blue curtains."
- Conversations that we'd like to be privy to in the loft: "You never listen during pipe talk."
- Nick on the scarecrow version of himself: "You drew my face on a melon? "
- A fun drunken game for all: "True American - but with sexy new Clinton rules. Pick your intern."
- We're always welcoming a well-placed quick Homeland reference: "It's Abu Nazir!"
- Schmidt on losing weight is better than any of the Arizona stuff on Grey's Anatomy: "It's been replaced with phantom fat. I still feel it jiggle."
- Jess trying to hook Nick and Holly up: "Two of us have to go behind the iron curtain, which is that door there, and kiss. There has to be a clear and present threat of tongue."
- After the loftmates (and their female guests) start chanting for a real kiss between Nick and Jess: "Let's just suck it up and French a little."
- The entire awkward exchange of near kisses with Nick, including, but not limited, to him climbing out the window in a nearly suicidal manner in order to avoid kissing her "like this" when even her boyfriend Sam was game for them to have the modern version of seven minutes in heaven.
- Cece's very confused date on her ex: "I'm sorry? You loved that small shiny man?"
- Schmidt's continued hatred of all things related to Cece dating: "I don't really know what that accent is... I speak English, that didn't sound like it."
- Winston's awesome, not-really-engaged dating guru Daisy judging his kissing: "C-minus. You kiss like a damn bitch."
- Winston showing his concern in the most compelling of ways: "We will talk about this in the morning, but first... I'm gonna go do things with a girl."
- The angry neighbor woman who thinks (rightly) that all things in this apartment are way weird.
- The instantly infamous kiss. And the way that Nick ran to protect Jess from the scratching and then just kissing the hell out of her.
- Sam being creeped out by the stuffed Nick, but oblivious to the real Nick kissing his girlfriend.
- Did we mention that kiss?

Don'ts
- Jess being bored and using a cardboard box to make a robot shape.
- We'll give Jess being scared since she did think her student was going to murder her last week, but making a blanket fort? Really? How old is she?
- Jess' desperate plea: "Never leave me alone again. "
- Cece's weepy boyfriend at the movies; she obviously needed an easy reason not to like this guy, but still.

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