We could sit and recite all of the clever dialogue of "Quick Hardening Caulk", but it would probably just be a copy of the script... and besides, the fans on Tumblr have probably gif'd the entire episode by now. Instead, we'll just break down the highlights:
The Makeup Department Was on Overdrive
It might have been more than a little excessive to have three of the four roommates sustaining major injuries to their face, but at least the presumably bored makeup department -- who only have fun things to do when Schmidt waxes his eyebrows -- got to give Jess a huge chin bruise, Nick a shiner and Schmidt a giant jellyfish-sting rash. Winston was lucky to escape with his life.
Schmidt's Melon Ball Drinks
Poor Schmidt, drowning his sorrows in an alcoholic drink that even pregnant women are allowed to imbibe. This Cece thing is really killing him, but quite fun for us playing the home game. "There are plenty of things to be down about: air pollution in China, the deficit, The Hobbit wasn't very good. If I wanted to see dwarves in a real-time dinner scene, I would have gone to Koreatown. Boo-yah, Ball me!" Our major disappointment was that we didn't find out exactly how one gets those "toppy things" off a bottle of booze.
Watching a clean Nick who eats salad, actually works at his job, takes a vitamin (maybe) and does laundry on a regular basis was as if they made a Nick action figure and this was the variant option. We get why Jess would find that totally sexy. "Did you know there's a separate compartment to put the soap in? I didn't know that. A little soap house."
The Hardware Store
Three cheers for the old lady at the store who was thoroughly enjoying Nick pulling a chain off the rack. "Yank it!" She was amazing. And because we are secretly 12-year-old boys, Jess reading the shopping list of items and getting increasingly turned on made us giggle more than a little. "You don't want to wait forever for that caulk to harden" and "Look at this big old pipe" were our favorite immature lines.
Nick's Bartender/Boss Fling
We learned that Responsible Nick only came out because he was banging his boss Shane ("I'm really happy her name is Shane. Who's next, Cody? Tex? The sheriff?") because before that, he did things like make a sign that said "Take a Drink, Leave a Drink" and not-so-soberly peed in the cash register. But though even Nick knew it wasn't going to last ("I know this isn't gonna end well, but the whole middle part is going to be awesome"), it was fun to see him trying and Guy's Night with its $24 nachos was a success... albeit a losing long-term business proposition. Also, this whole thing introduced us to Big Bob, who might be our new favorite character. Anyone that's gamely willing to kiss Nick to help him out of an awkward jam is okay in our book.
The Life Aquatic with Schmidt
Winston takes Schmidt to the aquarium to forget about Cece, and Schmidt becomes obsessed with a lion fish ("A rare beauty. A result of generations of interracial fish inbreeding. Just undulating in that water with that wry smile, pert round fish breasts"). So obsessed that he even starts a home aquarium, much to the dismay of Nick ("I don't trust fish. They breathe water, that's crazy") and which led to the age old question: "Fish don't have boobs?" Then put Schmidt on a wetsuit and got stung by a jellyfish while trying to trap the fish of his dreams ("I don't want some janky freshwater bitch fish. I want a lion fish"). While we question how stupid a seemingly smart guy like Schmidt actually is when it comes to the logistics of this scheme, it did lead to his touching realization about the fish Cece brought him: "Hello, fish Cece. I don't know if it was the jellyfish's venom or the paramedic's urine, but it made me realize she's not mine to keep. She belongs out there in the great wide open ocean." And the less charming, but still funny, farewell where the poor fish ended up in the sand and not the water: "Should you meet a charming physically fit, I dunno, whatever kind of fish gefilte fish come from, treat him well."
Why Winston May Be the Best One
Because in all the crazy Schmidt scheming, Winston was by his side: "You're right, Schmidt. If I was doing something stupid you definitely would be involved." It isn't just any friend that would offer to take a dump on your face in the name of easing the pain of a jellyfish sting. And he's the kind of friend that doesn't punch Schmidt for saying that he needs to lose that last 55 pounds and also shaves his friends shoulders in his time of need. His speech to Cece about giving Schmidt space was sweet and genuine. Can we bring back London Tipton soon so this guy can get some much deserved lovin'?
Opening the Door
After her hardware store injury, and subsequent pain meds, Jess told Nick she wanted to have sex with him (You are a beautiful white man, Nick Miller"). This confused poor Nick's brain (though that might have had something to do with her wanting to take his piggy to the market) and he had to ask Schmidt and Winston for advice on when you should listen to a girl on drugs, with his thinly veiled disguise of asking about doors being closed and going to other doors. ("Is that the drugs, or is that real. And if so, how do I end it with Shane before Jess finds out.") And then after he called Jess his "roomfriend" in front of Shane, he finally went home and asked her straight out if she wanted to have sex with him. Then he called her a golddigger because she liked his new responsible attitude. Then they smashed Schmidt's fish tank and still kept making out.
The Love/Hate Pillow Talk
We're still paranoid about where the Nick and Jess relationship will lead and if it will take the fun out of the show, but it works (so far at least), because the two of them are aware of the other person's flaws and quite willing to vocalize them and just go with it. From him telling her she talks too much to her pointing out his bubble belly and reminding herself that he sometimes pleasures himself while looking at a steak catalog, it makes them hooking up adorable instead of sappily sentimental. Because even if you are thoroughly enjoying making out with someone, that doesn't mean it isn't the right time to ask: "Who burns their hand in soup?"
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