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The Telefile
New Girl: First Time Do’s and Don’ts

In "Virgins," we learned that everyone's first time having sex sucked... well, unless it involved a certain rock icon. It was a fun episode that gave me the giggles (and what a perfectly handled way to address Jess and Nick's first time), though I'm still having a really hard time buying that Stiles from Teen Wolf went to high school with Zooey Deschanel. Dylan O'Brien's got a little baby face (and according to the internet there's more than a decade between them in real life), so I was kind of glad they didn't end up having sex because it just would have seemed inappropriate. Aside from that, and the fact that we're living in terror of The Archduke, we'd say this episode was more successful than a night with Mysteria and Octopussy.

Schmidt and Elizabeth -- the Olden Days
This whole lubed-up dorm room sex scene gets extra credit for the really retro Sanford and Sons reference ("I'm coming, Elizabeth"), though I'm glad that I never saw Redd Foxx in a fat suit covered in lube and trying to climb up to a top bunk to have sex. As previously mentioned, I love the vulnerability of Fat Schmidt, who asks things like "If I pee while it's happening, will she die?" Modern Schmidt is just such a know-it-all who would never put on the freshman 50, or sophomore 50 or junior 100. The awkwardness of Elizabeth still wanting to have sex with Schmidt, even though copious amounts of lube had burned her eyeballs, while Nick was on the bottom bunk trapped by an invisible mushroom-induced troll and magnets and her would-be lover slipped and slided off the bed, make her kind of just the most awesome girl ever.

Schmidt and Elizabeth -- Present Day
Schmidt is trying to be a human, but thinks he needs to rely on tricks and the mechanical prowess of "The Archduke" (which Cece hates) in order to please his lovers. And somehow, Elizabeth doesn't even want to run in fear of the battery-operated device. And she likes pizza? It does seem like the endgame of this show is to have Schmidt and Cece reunite, but honestly, I'm sort of loving Elizabeth lately.

Nice Retrofitting
Having Jess and Cece at the same bar where the boys were hanging out was clever, particularly seeing Cece's disgusted glare at Fat Schmidt as he asked the bartender if they sold cookies.

Winston Loves Titanic
We already know about his secret love of Wicked, but now we find out that the movie that gets him in the mood is Titanic? Winston is just a man of mystery.

For a Good Time Call
In a flashback, we got to see young Winston and Nick in a New York hotel room where Nick's (now dead) dad has procured some prostitutes to help turn his two young charges into men. Though poor Winston never realizes that his lady of the night was paid for her services. He really had some fond memories of Mysteria, and finding out how much Pop-Pop included him in their family really made his emotions at his funeral a lot more real in retrospect.

Nick's First Time... Drinking
Nick had a rather unremarkable first time with a sweet girl named Allison Daniels who had sex with him in the woods and kept her bra on. But while Winston was getting it on with the delightful Mysteria, Nick steered clear of Octopussy's pussy and instead discovered the allure of cheap booze. It was enough to make his old man proud.

And Jess Is Still Allowed Around Children?
Even after being discovered in a kids toy clubhouse in an indecent state with her gay almost-first-time sex partner (who she met in a very '80s movie way after her weird gender equality club date didn't really pan out), Jess is still allowed to teach? Maybe fireman Teddy was able to distract the small onlookers from her foibles.

Creepiest Revelation of the Night
Nick sometimes sits in the toilet stalls and listens to his roommates' conversations.

Moves Like Jagger
Naturally model Cece lost her virginity to Mick Jagger... though only hearing "him" made me think back to the short-lived Knights of Prosperity, which made me think about Donal Logue, which made me think about Terriers and then I just got sad. Especially since I also started thinking about how Sofia Vergara came off that show relatively unscathed and is now on a popular show and my poor beloved Terriers is off the air... but I totally digress.

Now That's How You Do a Fireman Carry
After spending the episode being annoyed about Teddy (the guy who took Jess's virginity) and listening to her never-ending tale about sewing her lengthy stories about sewing and gender equality, Nick finally got the chance to make his move. Instead of letting Jess go out with the guy who swiped her v-card, he scooped her up and brought her back to the apartment so they could get it on. But what was refreshingly sweet about this whole scene was that at the end they were giggling and acting silly about what they'd done, instead of just swooning and being all lovey-dovey. It felt a lot more realistic, and made the whole thing far less sappy than it could have been. Moments like this keep this relationship from taking over the entire show, which I for one am very happy about.

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