Just in case you were wondering what Coach's role would be now that he's returned to the gang on New Girl, it's this: making Schmidt and Winston's life a living hell. Last week he spent the majority of the episode humiliating the clumsy Winston (this week didn't go much easier on poor Winnie either) and during this week's episode, "Longest Night Ever," he courted Schmidt's ex-girlfriend Cece, a woman he's still very much in love with. Wait, aren't we supposed to be glad that Coach is back? He's been sort of a thorn in the side of the shaky Season 3. Hey, at least we didn't have any Nick and Jess relationship drama to deal with. Here are the do's and don'ts of the episode "Longest Night Ever":
Do: Keep your eye on Schmidt…and then run him over
Much like Ben and Ann on Parks and Recreation, Nick and Jess had to run emotional interference for Schmidt and keep him preoccupied when Coach took Cece out on a date. Turns out, when Schmidt says he's fine, he actually means he wants to die because a stool broke from under him during an open-mic night. (At least, that's what happened in college). Jess babysat Schmidt -- or at least tried to -- by singing to him and/or weakly punching him. But none of it worked, as Schmidt took off to try and break up the date by wooing Cece with chocolates. Jess eventually caught up to him and, after he pleaded with her to stop him by hitting him with a car, she did just that. She hit him lightly at first, but then accidentally gunned it and hit him hard while he was wearing his favorite utility khaki. It was pure New Girl physical comedy bliss (the lone highlight of this entire episode, really) and it stopped Schmidt from getting back with Cece.
Don't: Date your friend's ex, even with their half-assed blessing
For someone who claims to have as broken a heart as Coach does, why in the world would he still ask Cece out? Better yet, why wouldn't he be able to see that his friend was reluctantly okaying their date? Better yet, why would Coach want to date Cece when she is willingly dating her ex's friend, despite the pain that would cause all parties? It was a bad idea from the get-go, made only worse by poor execution from the writers. Coach and Cece's date wasn't awkward or funny enough to warrant this choice, let alone make this a storyline to get invested in.
Do: Quickly cover your tracks after suggesting you and your boyfriend will be married someday
After Jess accidentally, casually mentions that someday, she and Nick will be married, she sort of saves it by saying "Merry Christmas" to him a whole five weeks early. Of course, the marriage seed has now been planted, but Jess picked a good week to make sure Nick doesn't have a freakout as they were too busy putting out Winston and Schmidt's fires.
Don't: Lose Furguson the cat…and then let Winston hook up with some spectacularly creepy lady
At this point does anyone have anything but pity for Winston? When he decided to ditch his cat/best friend Furguson to talk to a "human woman," he not only struck out with said human women, but came home to find out that Nick had accidentally lost his cat. While he had a minor victory by finding his beloved Furguson, the show decided to knock him down a few pegs again by having him hook up with the sketchy, hamster-loving, un-ladylike (she chugged stomach medicine like water) bus driver who helped get Furguson back to him. It was all as unappetizing as a late-night bologna sandwich.
Do: Question someone who still has a flip phone.
Schmidt's right, that attractive lady at the bar was either "poor or a time traveler."
Don't: Yell instructions at Siri and then get mad at her when she doesn't understand you
Jess definitely wouldn't appreciate that.
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