I can't believe I'm saying this, because I haven't said it in a while, but I actually kind of loved last night's episode of New Girl, "Sister 3." Maybe it's because unlike so many other things on this show, a story line had a definitive expiration date and therefore could not outstay its welcome (or, in this case, Abby could not outstay her welcome). It also probably helped that it felt more like the Season 1 and 2 characters we fell in love with. Nick acted like a weird manchild hobo, Jess was a quirky neurotic and Schmidt pronounced things funny. Hell, I even thought they made good use of Cece and Coach, which is the rarest rarity of them all. Winston, on the other hand, was sadly as pathetic as ever. The episode found Abby and Schmidt shacked up, much to the horror of Jess, who decides she and Nick have to catch up with them. She asks Nick to "move in" with her, and the two find out pretty quickly that living together isn't quite the same as living together separately. So, in honor of that mistake, here are the do's and don'ts from "Sister 3":
Do: Get Your Own French Toast
Don't even think of taking Nick's slices of French toast at Abby and Schmidt's brunch. Even if you're just wiping powdered sugar off of his face, get your own or else he will flip out.
Don't: Impulsively Move In With Your Boyfriend Because Your Sister Impulsively Moved In With Her Boyfriend
Worried that Abby and Schmidt's crazy person relationship was progressing faster than her normal(ish) person relationship with Nick, Jess asks Nick to move in with her. Now, how can you move in with someone you already live with? Well, you move into their room. The only problem with that is that you're officially cramped together all the time ("It sounds amazing and like prison" as Nick put it) and you get to know all their weird habits. Case in point in Nick's room, which is now Nick and Jess's room, Nick has strange bedtime habits that include wearing a nightgown (well, when he can muster the courage to actually change in front of her) and trying to get comfortable while Jess has her reading light on. They both clearly hate this decision, but neither has the guts to admit it. Instead, when Abby and Schmidt have a hotel room they can't use, Jess lies to Nick and says she has to chaperone a field trip to Sacramento. Instead, she spends "one of the best nights" of her life alone, ordering room service and classy porn and running around in a terry cloth robe in a fancy hotel room. (I love Nick Miller as much as the next gal, but I have to admit, this sounds like a truly excellent night.) It all falls apart when Winston catches her at the hotel and spills to Nick. Nick is upset at first but quickly realizes this is the first argument he'll ever "win" against Jess. The two finally come clean about their living arrangement mistake and decide to go back to their rooms… that is until Schmidt needs a room (more on that in a bit) so he can move back in. Hopefully, this time Jess lets Nick display his artwork (i.e. Garbage Pail Kids) and they can agree to disagree on just how many pilgrims there were. That said, from the sounds of things, Nick's should keep his hippie cult leader feet in a pair of socks at all times.
Do: Find a Good Dynamic With the Girl You Almost Kind of Dated
Coach has been pretty pointless since his return this season, and his failed quasi-relationship with Cece was just as big a bust. Turns out, all you need to do is have Damon Wayans, Jr. play a slightly tweaked version of Brad on Happy Endings! Coach and Cece buddied up in last night's episode to snoop on Abby (or "treachery" as Schmidt called it) because Cece was convinced she was up to no good with Schmidt. Coach decided to put on a girl/slightly gay guy act and act like a "sister" to Cece, but you know what, it worked. It was the first time I legitimately enjoyed watching Coach or Cece all season and their chemistry works with this bizarre buddy dynamic they have with hilarious catch phrases ("Let's dust her, buster!", "Bye hater!", "Think about it girl, shoooooot!"). While Coach figured out Cece was snooping on Abby partially out of jealousy, I still think there might be hope for these two. Even if Cece did apologize to Schmidt and tell him she cared about him and made eyes at him. Sigh. I miss Elizabeth.
Don't: Invest In Your Unhinged New Girlfriend's Dangerous Jewelry Business
Love (okay, in Schmidt's case, sex) can make you do crazy things. Crazy things like thinking your girlfriend's horrific homemade jewelry collection that can and will make you bleed/look like a total fool. Even worse, thinking this is a legitimate business venture (who wouldn't want an Iroquois throat band?) worth dumping your entire savings into so you can buy her a storefront in an undesirable location. Even worse, doing that after she's left you to move back in with her mom, leaving you with a three-year lease on an empty jewelry store and forcing you to move back into your old loft.
Do: Have a Heart-to-Heart With Your Sister
After their brief meeting in the elevator of their building (Jess was there to help older residents/avoid Nick), Abby and Jess had a real heart-to-heart at the bar. The two talk about the men they've loved, recall their past (Jess got kicked out of jazz ensemble for being "too enthusiastic") and generally shoot the shit about life in ways only sisters can. Jess encourages Abby to be on her own for a little while and find herself, while Abby tells Jess that she and Nick are brave for allowing themselves to fall in love. It was another very authentic Abby/Jess moment and while I'm not sad to see Abby go (like I said, she had an expiration date) I'm glad the show made the most of their time with Linda Cardellini.
Don't: Worry About Getting Pantsed
Winston's issue of the week was that he was worry about getting pantsed while practicing on the jungle gym rings for the LAPD obstacle course. Turns out, when they were kids Nick pantsed him on the playground and he's been traumatized ever since. In fact, when he's on the beach working out later, he freaks out on an innocent kid (a truant, if you will). Poor Winston/Lamorne Morris.
Do: Give Your Significant Other Punny Nicknames
Snora Ephron is gold, I tell you. Gold.
Don't: Have a Stakeout in "The Same Neighborhood They Shot Children of Men
Your car will get stolen and it will turn out that the person you're spying on was only buying counterfeit zippers.
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