The Telefile
Reality Shows That Would Be Improved With Vampires

The current trend on reality television seems to be to take existing genres of shows and add plus-size people to them to make it more interesting. This is how we ended up with shows like More to Love and Dance Your Ass Off. We like to try and stay ahead of the curve and since vampires are so hot right now, most especially True Blood and the forthcoming Vampire Diaries, we predict that it isn't long before vampire contestants start making their ways into the world of reality TV. Most of these shows have fallen into a rut, so some bloodsucking contestants could actually breathe some much needed eternal life into them... you know... if they could breathe.

The Bachelor/Bachelorette
Forget Jake or Kiptyn or whomever inevitably gets cast for next season's Bachelor, let's get a vampire in that role. Girls totally love those undead guys, so there should be plenty of volunteers for his dating pool. The girls could still get roses, but the ones who don't get picked get the life sucked out of them. (Wouldn't it have been awesome if Jill could have just drained Wes instead of letting his douchebag self ride off in a limo?) The last girl standing gets to be turned and exist forever with the chosen fella. It would be more lasting that most of these "relationships," so it could be worth a shot.

The Biggest Loser
Instead of personal trainers like Bob and Jillian standing around yelling at people to diet and exercise, a new vampire trainer could be brought in. They'd be able to suck the blood and fat right out of someone. Extra gum could still get ads, as the trainer will need to have some minty breath after chowing down on the overweight contestants. The fatties might actually put the die in this diet but they'd sure look thin when they got buried, and those who survived could get skinny without having to survive solely on Subway sandwiches and purified water.

Dr. 90210
The California plastic surgeons add a new doctor to their practice, and he's got the hottest new treatment on the market that makes Botox irrelevant. A little bit of vampire blood is rumored to make people look hotter and heal faster, so combine that with a bit of a face-lift and low and behold, these guys would have a booming practice. The one draw back? The new doctor only works nights.

Top Chef
Just imagine the creative challenges they'd have to face. Cook an entire Italian meal without using garlic. All forms of protein would be raw meat. The chefs would be required to make blood sausage and blood pudding. All meals would have to be designed to compliment Bloody Marys. Can you imagine Padma and Tom trying to choke some of this stuff down?

American Idol
If Taylor Hicks can win this show... anyone can. Plus, vampire rockers aren't unheard of -- just look at Lestat. And with a simple black t-shirt and pale skin, a vampire contestant is sure to impress Simon Cowell. And you know Randy Jackson is powerless to resist a hot trend. He'd reference Twilight at least once an episode.

The Amazing Race
In an attempt to make up for the fake vamp staking during last season's trip to Transylvania, an all vampire team would be allowed to compete in the global trek. All the challenges would have to take place between sunset and sunrise, and in an effort to keep the playing field level, instead of traveling in coach, all teams would be required to find space in the luggage compartments and travel via coffin. Phil and his eyebrow could stay as is, though he'd have to wear turtlenecks all the time, so as not to tempt the vamps with his long, slender neck after particularly arduous legs of the race.

One vampire. Fifteen human contestants. It's a battle to see who truly can outlast the other to become the real sole survivor. The vampire might be at a disadvantage during the day, but surely there's one human who will go against their alliance who'd be willing to throw the humans off the scent of the pulse-challenged player. Though it might be hard for the human sympathizer to hide the tell-tale puncture holes in their neck... and eventually the bloodsucker will turn on them -- it is only a game after all -- and vampires certainly aren't around to make friends.

Project Runway
While this show has often focused on creating cutting edge designs, during this season, the contestants would be required to design funky fashions that will last vampires through their entire lengthy life span. They'd have to create the new long black duster, find a modern take on gothic gowns, utilize blood-stain-resistant fabrics, incorporate stake-proof bodices into the clothing and find ways to make an all black wardrobe look stylish. Nina will clearly need to either be turned, or replaced with a judge from the vampire community.

18 Kids and Counting
Every time the show gets a little sluggish in the ratings, Jim Bob Duggar sires another vampire child and raises it to think that the world outside is a dangerous place.

Big Brother
A vampire in the house would certainly shake things up a little, though unless it was like those sparkly Twilight ones, they might want to avoid sunbathing too much in the backyard. But the vamp could use their mind-controlling abilities to help sway the public vote and convince their fellow houseguests to keep them off of the nomination block. Instead of PB&J or slop, bags of blood would be an option, and the producers would have the challenge of designing an HOH room for an undead houseguest. Plus: Chenbot vs. vampires. That's a battle that's been a long time coming.

America's Next Top Model
Tyra would be drooling over a tall, ethereal girl with translucent skin who owned her inner beauty since she never was able to look at herself in the mirror. All the other contestants would be trying to figure out the cold one's secret for staying so thin, and stealing her O-positive out of the fridge, leading to some fabulous screaming match and some fierce fang-bearing. And if the contestant didn't like Tyra's critiques she could always just go for the jugular. We'd all want to see that.




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March 2014


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