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The Telefile
Here Comes Honey Boo Boo: This Week's Signs of the Apocalypse

Last week, I was far too devastated to see the removal of Glitzy to even talk about what happened (though he lives on as the new Posh Pigs mascot!) in "What Is a Door Nut?" -- though I will say that watching children get tossed around in/near/by ATVs was at best disconcerting. Fortunately, I've recovered from my Glitzy withdrawal just in time to witness the crazy events of last night's "A Bunch of Wedgies" that further indicate an upcoming apocalypse:

Pregnant 17-year-old Anna describes her contractions as coming out of her "va-jay-jay." (American sex ed at its finest, folks.)

Alana declares that she's not ready for her niece to be born, because baby Kaitlyn will "smell like poop when [Anna] poops."

Alana reveals that she regularly eats so many chicken nuggets that they make her stomach hurt.

Alana wants to have thousands and thousands and thousands of children when she grows up. (Suddenly, end times don't sound so bad, do they?)

Before the final weigh in of the summer, a child must brush a piece of snot off of the scale before it's placed down.

12-year-old Pumpkin says that her weight goal of the summer is to be 250 lbs, describing it as an awesome goal on par with her "butthole piercing." (In all seriousness though, she actually gained six pounds in what has to be under eight weeks.) She later eats cream cheese out of the container with her finger while standing in front of the refrigerator.

"Mama, this life jacket makes me look like a chunky lemon."

June needs two of her daughters to help pull her out of an inner-tube. (But, like, good for her! She was in a bathing suit -- albeit while wearing shorts and socks -- and even went on some rides, had fun and encouraged her daughters to be comfortable in their bathing suits. June has seemingly taught that kids that everyone on this planet has vajiggle jaggle, and your body is nothing to be ashamed of. Unless you have a deformed toe...)

June reveals her "forklift foot," which was LITERALLY COVERED IN GNATS. (Again, more power to her but good GOD.)

Alana gets spray tanned and describes it as "poop in a can."

Alana involuntarily farts while practicing her pageant walk, which is complete with commentary and later matched with a TH segment where she makes farting noises with her mouth.

When finished with her Elvis routine during a pageant, Alana screams "I'm done!" and sprints out of the room. Despite doing what I'd say was her best work, she doesn't even take home the top title.

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