I've got nothing against daytime soap operas, in fact, Santa Barbara was my after school treat and All My Children was one of the few things that my college roommate and I could agree on, but I haven't been a regular watcher of any of them since Passions went off of network television. And, in general, I'm sad that they are sort of a dying breed. That said, I'm still floored by the news that James Franco is going to join the cast of General Hospital for a two month guest arc.

In what universe do we witness both Rachael "Yippy Dog" Ray and Tyra "Love My Fat Ass" Banks lauded with awards and given thank-you speech airtime? Why in the Daytime Emmys universe of course! The soaps and chat show circle jerk took place on Friday, and as always, there were winners and losers. In many cases the winners were, in fact losers, as in the case of the aforementioned Ray. (My view of Ms. Banks is a bit more complicated and not worth getting into here, but I'm thinking that any instance in which Banks gets more ammo for her delusions of omnipotent, Oprah-style grandeur is not necessarily a good thing.) I don't give a dang about the soap opera winners (As the World Turns swept four categories but really, who cares?) but I am happy that Ellen DeGeneres won for Outstanding Daytime Host (one of four Emmy wins this year), because she is the only TV personality besides Joel McHale who has managed not to grate on my last effing nerve. Props to the Emmy judges also for giving Everyday Italian its due, and for finally recognizing the zeitgeist-y behemoth that is The View -- a show that has been nominated ten times over the course of its run and just this year nabbed an actual award. Two, in fact. Say what you will about its choice of topics, the show is a force to be reckoned with. And further proof that Oprah is becoming obsolete: the daytime diva earned a measly two awards. Hubris, dudes. It's a bitch.

"We are very disappointed in you, Mr. Reid.  VERY DISAPPOINTED.  You have ten minutes to pack up your belongings and flee TWoP Towers, at which time Colton -- who has been reprogrammed to assassinate you, instead of Frisco, because we all know that dude won't stay dead anyway -- will be unleashed to avenge the loss of Sars's eyesight.

Run, you pitiless bastard.  RUN LIKE THE CUR YOU ARE!"

Sars said the words "Nurse Bobbie Spencer" which means that I, much like the Candyman, am required to show up here and post this photo. And, as is the case oftentimes with the Candyman, you are now scarred for life, and I am sorry.

But this is such a problem in soaps! It's the only job some of these actors are ever going to have (unless they manage to score a guest spot on one of the Law & Orders, at which time I will mark them as the killer the second I see them because the rule is: the killer is always the soap star, unless it's the Broadway star), so I understand the need to stave off Father Time as long as possible, but not to the point when you become what would happen if an anemic platypus mated with an eggplant. This happens on soaps all the time, too, it's very distressing. Thank God GH ended up writing Nurse Amy Vining out of the show, because she was bad too. And poor Linda Dano on Another World, who had a face-lift (which turned out pretty okay, considering the Salvador Dali painting she could have turned into if Nurse Bobbie is any indication) and it was written into the show that she fell through a skylight and cut up her face just to explain it away.

Stay away from the knife, soap opera veterans, we beg you! Age gracefully! 

Sure, Luke Spencer kind of looks like reheated sick, but that won't happen to everyone. We promise.

 

"Our child is so irritating, I had to TAKE my SHIRT OFF!"  "There there, Robert."

*****

I loathed a lot of characters over the course of my long, semi-abusive relationship with General Hospital.  I loathed the aforementioned Lucy Coe; I loathed Sean Donely during his double-agent heel turn; I loathed Bobbie Spencer and her weird way of pulling her lower lip down when she wanted to convey "about to cry."

But my loathing of Robin Scorpio remains unmatched.  SHUT UP, ROBIN.

...I have to confess that I don't know what the character is up to these days; for all I know, the HIV storyline is handled with sensitivity (or what passes for it in daytime drama).  As a child, however, she bugged horribly, and I hope Kimberly McCullough will forgive me for this observation, because it's not like I was that cute as a kid myself, but, uh..."Frau Blucher!" "[whinnying]"  And the whole storyline with Duke Lavery trying to win Robin over because he's boning Anna Devane?  Holy cutesy simpering, Batman.

Okay, now I understand much better after reading Sars's footnotes to Joe R's footnotes to my ball of confusion. And dude, when Frisco came back from Soundstageistan and found that Felicia was married to Colton...didn't she marry Colton in a blue bubble dress? I mean, didn't she? Why do I remember that? Who gets married in a blue bubble dress? I realize she was not a virgin, but she wasn't a virgin when she married Frisco, either, and she married him in that ivory lace thing while he was in his cop clothes and had that horrible spiky hair? What happened to his lovely girl hair from when he was first on the show? When he was in the band with John Stamos?

FROM MEMORY, PEOPLE.

When you mentioned him coming back with the strike beard, it reminded me of how he went to the club that (thanks, forums, for the reminder!) Terry Brock worked at, where she introduced him and he sang that song (thanks, forums, for the reminder!) "The Right Key" and Felicia sat right there while her weenie-ass husband was like, "[Cough.]" I'm telling you, when you're married to a dude who makes Jack Wagner look like Lou Ferrigno, it is time to rethink your situation.

And when I thought of Terry Brock, that made me think of my least favorite "mystery" story in GH history, which was where Terry showed up and had this Horrible Terrible Secret, and for, like, TWO YEARS (it seemed like), everyone was talking about her Horrible Terrible Secret, and there were the two brothers -- O'Connors! Hell! -- where the one seemed mean but was nice, and the other seemed nice but was mean? Anyway, they had all this information about her Horrible Terrible Secret, and when the Horrible Terrible Secret was revealed, it was that she walked down Main Street naked, singing gospel songs.

I swear to God, this was a real thing. She sang gospel naked, and this was the Horrible Terrible Secret for which we waited years. I'm not going to say that's any worse than the Grant Putnam/Andrews thing with Celia and the Rottweiler (I sense that I do remember the Rottweiler, but I don't remember its significance), but I don't think it was any better, either.

My brain is storing all of this instead of knowing where my keys are.

"Though if you're wondering why Allen Quartermaine got killed off only to have that actor remain on the show as a ghost anyway, I am not your man."

I am wondering exactly that, my friend.  I am an '80s-GH alum who remembers the likes of the O'Connors v. Lucy Coe; Anna Devane peeling off her scar; Emma freakin' Samms; Kin Shriner's original hairline; and Frisco's unbelievably protracted return from Bulgaria or Fakecountryistan or wherever the DVX prison he escaped from was ostensibly located, which they dragged out over a month of Fridays, showing his shadowy Unabearded figure for like three seconds at 3:54 PM...people, I remember Colton Shore.  (And not fondly.  Shut up, Colton.)  I tell you all this by way of explaining that I know it does not pay to wonder about matters of this nature, and yet, wonder I do.

I also wonder when that picture at the left was taken, because I remember a lot of things about the Grant Putnam/Andrews storyline (...unfortunately), but I sure as hell don't remember that gnarly mullet.  Or the Rottweiler.  Although that could actually just be a really good picture of Dr. Tony Jones.  [rimshot]

So since I seem to be assuming the position of the TWoP bullpen's soap opera guru during Miss Alli's quest for a daytime show to latch onto, I feel like I should answer some of the lingering questions that an hour of General Hospital weren't able to answer for her. Perhaps if you're looking to adopt a daytime drama, these footnotes will help you, too. Though if you're wondering why Alan Quartermain got killed off only to have that actor remain on the show as a ghost anyway, I am not your man.

 

I got totally distracted from the Soap Auditions project after my single visit to Days Of Our Lives; it is time to start again, and once again, I choose a soap with which I have some history. In fact, I have seen this one kind of recently, which gives me an even better chance to understand what is going on. Let us begin.

Today is the first official day of my project in which I decide whether I want to pick up a soap again. I haven't watched one since...er...I was in college? Probably? I watched General Hospital during the Frisco years and Days Of Our Lives during the Patch/Kayla years, mostly. So basically, the youngsters on these shows now are often the children of the characters I grew up watching, although I have been utterly shocked at the number of people who were still supposed to be important who were important when I was watching last time. So, somewhere between fifteen and twenty years after the last time I watched regularly, just in time to be tormented by the interruption/scabbing issues of the writers' strike, I have decided to experiment. I will not use cheat sheets; I will simply try to figure out what the hell is going on and whether I want to try one again. First up: I try to revisit Days Of Our Lives.