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The Telefile

Soap Auditions: General Hospital

by Miss Alli January 7, 2008 2:38 pm
I got totally distracted from the Soap Auditions project after my single visit to Days Of Our Lives; it is time to start again, and once again, I choose a soap with which I have some history. In fact, I have seen this one kind of recently, which gives me an even better chance to understand what is going on. Let us begin.
Okay, Julia. Wait, her name isn't Julia on this show, is it? It's...Alexis? I know her as Julia from Santa Barbara, which I used to watch during World War II. And then there's that other lady, and I know who she is, but I can't remember. They're both on a plane; they're both nominated for...something. And the flight attendant is making them both dump their garment bags. Wow, Julia looks kind of rough. I mean, Alexis.

Now I don't know who this girl moving into this apartment is (she's moving, right? Because she's unpacking), other than that she's calling this other person "Clarice" and seems to miss Sonny, so she's probably a new Carly.  Wait, is there a new Carly? I am confused. Speaking of Sonny, we now watch Sonny -- who is as orange as a tangerine -- bicker with an underling of some kind.

Jason makes plans to meet up with Liz at the "safe house." At least he cut his hair. I saw him at Emily Quartermaine's funeral, and let me tell you: that hair needed to go. I can't believe how much hotter he looks with short hair. Cannot believe anybody let that dead cat sit on his head. And now, he's with Liz, who I haven't seen since she used to play in an abandoned caboose with Old Original Lucky, back when he was too young to be considered attractive and kind of was anyway, and I am a dirty old lady DO NOT JUDGE ME.

Whoops, THIS is Carly, and it turns out I did know that, because I know this actress from when she used to be on...Loving? Something like that. Elsewhere, Jason and Liz make plans to "make up for New Year's Eve." Sounds sex-ay!

Bunch Of Dudes. I am in the weeds here. Oh, Mac! Is bringing somebody in for the murder of his daughter? Is one of the Friskettes no longer with us? It's only been a few weeks since I saw this show. So much can happen. Sounds like it was Georgie. She's the bad one, right? Or, no, she was the good one. Maxie is the bad one. The rest of these dudes are a mystery to me.

Aaaand: credits.

[At this point, Joe R. fills me in on the fact that Georgie, indeed the "good one," was killed by the "text-message killer." Got it. Way to hit the young-person's demographic.]

Police station. Hey, Felicia! She and Mac are now getting yelled at by The Bad One. Apparently, Felicia is now "SHE," in the "I won't talk to you while SHE'S in the room." Parental alienation, table for one.

Carly and Doctor Lady discuss, I guess, Carly's desire to have another baby. Carly is not a quitter. "Who knows. Maybe I can will myself pregnant?" There's some solid thinking.

Okay, Jax and...isn't that his brother, that slimy dude? They are discussing -- Jerry! That's his name -- things that are beyond my understanding, but it all seems to be sibling rivalry that I think they were talking about last time I watched Jax, which was...many years ago. I wish Jax would just let himself age, because it's happening anyway. I think that would be my greatest advice for soap people -- YOU ARE AGING ANYWAY. Not that I am particularly drawn to Jerry's well-creased face, either.

This small child is a very bad actress, and "Daddy Rick" is...the guy who used to be on Guiding Light. She's pulling out the old "real daddy" trick on him, and apparently Sonny is "real daddy." I love how she follows that "kick blocks; run from room" instruction to the letter. Who's "Rick"? I am confused. He's cute, though. I always thought he was cute.

Alexis and Other Lady. Okay, "Clarice" is the assistant to someone named "Kate," so that's who was in that scene packing things up. And the flight attendant is still on them about stowing their garment bags. They bicker about switching seats. They still do not stow their garment bags. Is this because of the writers' strike? Because if you made actors improvise, I assume you'd get a lot of stuff like this. "Um, maybe we should switch seats." "Um, okay." NEXT.

The person who must be Kate and Clarice are opening a painting. "Sonny bought it for me," Kate says. Clarice wants her to take action. So Clarice is trying to get this Kate person and Sonny back together.

Felicia still talks like a three-year-old. Her obnoxious daughter is still bitching at her, and she still has not bitch-slapped said obnoxious daughter. BAD PARENTING. Sensitive Cop saves Maxie (Maxie With BJ's Heart, as I call her) from slipping on mud, and that is really some compelling television.

And now, Scotty and someone calling Scotty "Dad." Dude, that guy TOTALLY looks like Kin Shriner. Is he Kin Shriner's kid? Because if not, way to cast for an eerie resemblance.

And now, that bratty six-year-old goes to take a nap, sent there by that lady who used to be on many other soaps. I don't know who she is here, though. Daddy Rick tries to get her to stay around. I guess they're having a thing. Or a potential thing.

Armrest fighting between Julia and the other lady. Or: Alexis. Whatever. Chicks love catfighting! Headphones! Sleep masks! Other Lady still has her garment bag. Damn, this is boring.

Liz is seeking a babysitter. For that baby I heard she had. And here's Kelly Monaco, whom I know from Dancing With The Stars, who's bitching about Lucky bringing the kids (okay, more than one) over to her place. So Lucky is involved with Kelly Monaco, who wants to rub it in Liz's face, even though Liz is contemplating getting with Jason.

When we return from commercials, Liz tells Kelly Monaco to get lost, which Kelly Monaco clearly deserves. But Kelly Monaco is here for her cousin, who is having "tests." Is that related to Carly sitting around? I don't know if they're related. More bitchery, concluding with Liz telling Kelly Monaco that Lucky will have to choose between "his boys [and] a lying slut." Liz! Kelly Monaco threatens Liz in some vague fashion about the fact that one of the babies is really Jason's, but Liz wants people to think it's Lucky's, apparently since Jason is a mobster and being his baby would increase a random child's chances of being, say, held for ransom. I have to say, that plan seems kind of sound, if that's what Liz is doing. It appears that Liz is denying that she's seeing Jason, so perhaps that's a secret. Liz winds up being all, "Do your worst!" and Kelly Monaco says "Watch out!" and this is really bazoo. And then Jason calls to semi-cancel anyway. Kids are such a style-cramper.

Carly welcomes Jax, so...they're together now, based on all the making out. Oh! They're married, or so she expositionally announces. And then Sonny arrives with a literal red-headed stepchild! Or "child." Apparently, the child was sent home for beating someone up for calling Sonny a gangster. Which, of course, Sonny is.

Random Person Named Kate is going through her papers. I really cannot deal with the height of her hair, man. She looks like Amy Winehouse's non-drug-addicted cousin.

Sonny sits his child down in a hilarious, like, clear plastic chair. Classy, folks. Carly demands the whole story, which it seems is, "Your dad is a gangster!" "POW!" So this child, "Michael," receives a lecture on not hitting, which Sonny is ill-suited to delivering, because he kills people. Jax tells Michael that "Morgan" needs him to set an example, so that must be the other Little Carly. Didn't Jax and Sonny used to despise each other? I think they did. Apparently, they've buried the hatchet now that they're both sleeping with different people. When Sonny takes Michael, Carly and Jax do more canoodling, and they actually employ the "Where were we?" technique of making out that is second only to my absolute least favorite soap kissing cliche, which is the use of the word "This!" right before you kiss someone. Like, "What are you going to do about it?" "This!" [Kissing.] Or "We still have our friendship! And this!" [Kissing.] I hate that. They run into trouble when Jax stupidly answers his cell phone and has to go for a "management emergency." He'll be back...for THIS! Just kidding.

Daddy Rick and Ubiquitous Soap Actress share some hot chocolate. They're clearly flirting, which I kind of like, since they're both over 35. He's really cute, I will repeat, although I could do without the nipple-flashing sweater. This is sort of charming. He just used the expression "adult attraction." They're about to make out! I totally caught this at the right moment, apparently. That is some seriously closed-mouth kissing, not that I'm looking that carefully.

Scotty and Son Of Scotty. Clearly, Son Of Scotty is in with these bad dudes, or they're mad at him or something. And then Felicia is noticing that the footprints on the floor are the same as the footprints in the photos near Georgie's body. She is such a detective.

Maxie and Dude She's With, Who Once Held Her Hostage. He's the one with the distinctive shoe pattern!

Son Of Scotty checks in with Liz, looking for Lulu. Elsewhere, Kelly Monaco has something of Carly's that the offers to return herself. This has some significance, but I know not what it is.

Sonny and Henchperson Of Sonny. Sonny is opening a box that has been delivered, which looks totally like a pizza box, but it's actually a painting that Morgan did, which I guess...the Kate person sent? Because it's a small version of what she has in her living room. She's now receiving a note, too, along with a rock that Sonny sent, which is a piece of the wall between their places. This is where I have to just...watch and have no idea. Her hair: Still high.

Jason. He uncovers an easel to find a sketch of a small child. Liz wanders in, all happy-smiley. Jason does not look so happy-smiley. Apparently, Liz made the sketch, which she says represents her experiments with charcoals. She wants Jason to pose, apparently to be the other person in the sketch.

Ubiquitous Soap Actress and Daddy Rick are still together, and no longer kissing. Why did THAT stop? She is talking about her history as a drunk, which seems like kind of a mood-killer. He touches her hair. Always good, that move. More canoodling. They head outside on the deck, because he says he wants to see the snow on her hair. That's...a little too barfy. She asks if they're "starting something here," and again, don't kill the mood, lady. Just go out on the deck and make out. He's cute! She refuses to build a snow fort, and they go outside. I wonder if one of them is evil and I just don't know it. Skye! He called her "Skye." I thought...I thought that was her name on All My Children. What was she named on that show? I'm really confused. Yikes! She just totally cut him off all of a sudden. Something has gone horribly wrong.

Flight attendant yelling at Alexis and friend about the garment bags, ARE YOU SERIOUS? If one more person says "garment bag," I'm going to throw up.

All righty, now this person I'm pretty sure is Lulu Spencer is being kidnapped and put in a dungeon. Oh, soap operas. I mean, where does anybody find a dungeon? And hey, Jax's brother has her. He's totally bad, you guys. I bet you already knew that.

Liz is sketching Jason. He's hungry; she lets him leave, but she won't let him see the drawing. He promises her that nobody will see it if she leaves it here. And then they make out.

Carly answers the door, and it's Kelly Monaco. They are not friends. Kelly Monaco returns the piece of jewelry. Her name is Sam! She strolls in and announces to Carly that the bracelet is a present for Jake (boys get bracelets?), and Carly wants to know why she'd by Liz's kid something. Her work done, Kelly-Monaco-Sam says that clearly, Carly doesn't know. KNOW WHAT? Oh, that's what she wants you to wonder. And with this, Kelly-Monaco-Sam announces that Jason is Jake's father, not Lucky, so the news, she is out. Isn't this going to make Jake a target of angry mobsters? What does Sam have against Jake?

Next: Carly confronts Jason about this paternity bust. Dun!

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