Yesterday, they finally announced who would be hosting the Academy Awards ceremony next year, after it was revealed that Hugh Jackman would not return following last year's show-stopping performance. And the lucky host is... Alec Baldwin. And Steve Martin. Both of them. Because... it's... uh... huh? True, Baldwin just won his second Emmy in a row, and Martin has hosted the Oscars twice before, but this really makes zero sense to us, for the following reasons.

More celebrity drug scandals! We don't usually gossip like this, but when stars actually go to jail, we take notice. Plus, Adam Lambert news!

Okay, everyone laughs at Heidi and Spencer Pratt's staged photo ops and I'm a Celebrity... shenanigans, and Heidi's so-called music career, and Spencer's so-called "beard," because we all know that they're just trying to get people to take pictures of them, and to get America to continue to pay attention to them. But now it's just sad. Spencer claims he is in the process of changing his name -- legally, mind you -- to "King Spencer Pratt," because, in his words, "I have decided that if there is a Queen of England and Prince William, we need to have a King of America, and I have nominated myself for that title." Seriously, is he mentally ill? [Dear Rest of the World: Please ignore him.]

When we first heard that Steven Seagal was a deputized police officer in New Orleans, we were amused. When we heard someone was going to make a reality series out of it, we were baffled. When the thing actually happened, we were like, "Okay, somebody's messing with us, right?" But no, a series titled Steven Seagal: Lawman will air starting this December on A&E, which used to stand for "Arts and Entertainment." The network seems to have shed such a narrow definition for their content, however, as the trailer for SSL looks like a very special episode of Cops. There's already been a lawsuit filed against A&E by two producers who are seeking credit and compensation, but if we were them we would stay far, far away from this thing, because it just seems like a bad idea. Actor, singer and martial artist Steven Seagal enforcing the law? Here are a few reasons why this might be a mistake.

In a recent Playboy interview, Alec Baldwin dropped some juicy tidbits. A.) He hates lawyers, which we get. B.) He almost killed himself after the whole voicemail debacle, which we are very glad he did not. C.) He is thinking about running for public office, which would be frickin' awesome. Whether it's for Governor of New York or Senator from Connecticut, we would totally vote for him, regardless of where we actually live. And if he's not on the ballot, we would write him in. In fact, we've already dug up some of his campaign promises, and they all sound pretty good to us.

Another slow news day. I think it is going to be a very long summer for TWoP News. Is it wrong that I kind of miss the days of daily updates on whether Simon or Kara would leave American Idol, or reading stories about Paula? At least there was some Idol news today.

Simon, Simon, Simon...we understand that after eight years, he's justifiably tired of judging American Idol. It's gotta be tough when America ignores your sage advice and crowns Taylor Hicks Idol number five, or votes week after week for Sanjaya's hair. But if he's serious about leaving the top-rated show on American television, we think the sneering one could do better than a stateside version of The X-Factor. There are plenty of reality shows on TV right now that could benefit from Simon's acerbic criticism and penchant for tight white t-shirts...read on to see why.

Today is an interesting news day. For starters, I have good news for Moonlight fans, even better news for Larry the Cable Guy fans, and great news for fans of A Shot at Love. I also have bad news for fans of The Hills, which is also bad news for people who aren't fans of The Hills, and is in fact bad news for everybody, everywhere, who is still alive. Plus, now you can collect all of your favoritest, most boringest American Idol stars. Ask me how!

What constitutes news, you might ask? An awesome celeb hosting an awards show we've never watched? That's news. Two fallen 1980s movie stars being cast in TV shows? That's news. A TV show set in the 1970s getting dropped like a bad habit? That's news. A 1990s TV star being cast in a remake of a 1980s TV show, due to appear on TV in 2010? That's a math problem, but it's also news. All those decades and more on today's... TwoP News! (Cue American Idol theme music.)

Last night was the two-hour premiere of the new season of The Celebrity Apprentice, and the fact that I wasn't bored to tears after such a lengthy debut tells me that this season is fixing to be pretty damned compelling. Full disclosure: I did not watch last season, the first incarnation of the celebrity iteration of The Donald's franchise. My decision to do so this time around had much to do with the presence of some of my favorite B-list (C-list? D-list? F-list?!) celebs: Joan Rivers, Khloe Kardassian, Tom Green and Brian McKnight (I know, I can't explain it). I was both tickled and horrified watching The Diceman crash and burn so spectacularly, and a little disappointed to see him go so soon, as I'm sure he'd have made a worthy adversary and a love-to-hate-him villain. The fact that he started complaining about the lack of bagels almost immediately was simultaneously endearing and hugely irritating, and I appreciate anyone who can straddle these two polar opposites. Angel was kind enough to lay out her predictions for who will do well this season in a formal, mathematical and highly precise way in her gallery. I have no such designs on accuracy, but I have a few predictions of my own based on last night's shit-show.