Watching the Teen Choice Awards is a strange thing to do as a childless adult. It's an alternating mix of feeling old because I know who some of the people are because of my job but am not quite sure what their deal is (Demi Lovato and Selena Gomez are like that), and feeling immature because I can't help but get way too excited about Zefron and seeing the Pretty Little Liars and Vampire Diaries casts in sparkly outfits with hairdos and whatnot. And when neither of those things are happening I'm just being made uncomfortable by grown-ups trying to play down to kids, which is so awkward, and I don't even think kids like it -- I know I didn't like it when I was a kid. And then there's Katy Perry, who's just the most disgusting thing in the world, mugging for the camera at every turn in little high-school fantasy outfits. In short, it was a nightmare. Here are the noteworthy happenings from two of the weirdest hours of my life.
I've asked Greg Berlanti. I've even asked Mario Lopez. And now, with the announcement that he's got a possible 16 shows coming to a TV near you, the time has come to channel In Living Color's immortal "Hey Mon!" to ask Mark Burnett: "How many jobs you got?!" The brain behind Survivor, Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader and The Apprentice recently told TV Week he has "10 series in various stages of posting and prepping, as well as five or six pilots," on his work schedule at the moment. I'm going to be conservative and assume that his returning and current shows are included in the above numbers, so the official tally is a mind-boggling 15 or 16 jobs! Wow! I never thought I'd say this, Greg Berlanti and Mario Lopez, but next to Mark Burnett, you two are lazy bums.
My Diddy-centric loathing and resentment has been mounting for some time now. First there was that whole breaking J. Lo's heart thing. (For shame, Diddy!) Then there was the incessant name-changing PR bull-poop which was pointless and infuriating. More recently, the artist formerly known as Puff Daddy appeared as a caricature of himself in a new Burger King ad the premise of which is that he is so important and influential that Burger King need only let people know that "Diddy says BK is open late" before droves of people start flocking to their local meat patty purveyor. I resent that. Diddy is a hack. He might've been a somewhat astute businessman at one point, but from what I can tell, for the last six years or so, he's been living off the interest from capital he accrued as Notorious B.I.G.'s wingman. He claims he's a mogul. Just because you once had a PUH and like to hang out on yachts doesn't make you a scion, dude. Don't get it twisted.