A zombie invasion is hitting the small screen.
In a terrifying display, The Bachelor's Jake Pavelka, The Hills' Heidi Montag and The Real Housewives of New Jersey's Danielle Staub were spotted filming a reality show of some kind together recently. Even if this project never finds a network and nothing comes of it, the way the media has run with the photos of them together is no doubt just going to encourage other famewhores to try to join forces for similarly unholy super shows. I'd watch almost any of them that came into fruition, but I'd enthusiastically watch these match-ups in particular.
Whoever came up with the brilliant idea to put Janice Dickinson and Stephen Baldwin on the same show together deserves an Emmy. And whoever thought it would be a good idea to put them both on a conference call together deserves whatever award is given out to conference call coordinators. (A Groupie?) Listening to the two of them go back and forth, weighing in on Sanjaya, Speidi and Starbucks, almost makes me want to tune in and watch every episode of this show. And considering that I'm pretty sure these two will go all the way, I'll have to watch every episode, too. Luckily, Speidi told Janice they'll be dropping out early to do other stuff, so at least I won't have to watch a Pratt be crowned champion. Read more below!
I think we all can agree, having watched America's Next Top Model for 49 cycles now, that what makes a top model in the Tyraverse is not any of the model-esque qualities you might assume are prerequisites -- superior height, facial symmetry, a runway walk not copied from Peter Boyle's performance in Young Frankenstein -- but rather the "desire," the "really wanting this"-ness. By which of course I mean the undignified, and un-optional, coating of Tyra's giant ass in damp kisses, the better to evolve Tyra's delusion of herself as a benign (and gigantic) Henrietta Higgins who Does Good For People. A girl's real-world modeling potential is irrelevant here -- fortunately, since few of the contestants have any such thing, which, naturally, is why they get onto the show in the first place. Nobody with a snowball's chance in hell of getting work in the industry on her own is as pathetically grateful for the faux-pportunities offered by ANTM (for real, the Seventeen readership's age tops out at around 13), and it's that pathetic gratitude that Tyra requires.
Tyra has gotten more and more obnoxiously imperious in the last year or two, but her fucktardedly outsized sense of her own importance isn't a problem per se -- at least, not compared with the problem it must pose for her employees. What is a problem, from a television standpoint, is that that grandiose insistence on choosing the girl who thanks/beseeches/admires Tyra the most fervently, instead of the girl who's the best qualified (or, you know, qualified at all), voids the competition of any significance. Tyra doesn't think we notice it, I suspect; Tyra doesn't see, or is not hearing anyone who tries to tell her, that the motives behind her choices are increasingly obvious.
I have to say I'm going to miss Daniel Baldwin now that he's been voted off of the surprisingly entertaining I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!. He and Stephen were funny together, and he called Janice out on her mental craziness. But alas, he's gone, so I hopped on a media call with him to get the final scoop on life in Costa Rica with the most annoying people alive. Long story short: Speidi are the fakest fakies ever and Janice Dickinson is even crazier than we already knew. Not mind-blowingly new information, but he was pretty candid in his Janice-bashing. Enjoy!
Seriously. I was on a conference call with the most recently eliminated Baldwin, and apparently delicious smack-talkin' doesn't necessarily run in the family, because Stephen not only claimed to genuinely like Janice Dickinson and think she's a good person, but he also believes Speidi's Christianity is authentic and not at all being exaggerated for fame whoring purposes. He's like the innocent little Hummel Baldwin. It's precious, really.
Last Thursday, we saw the elimination of two different cast members from I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!: original supermodel Janice Dickinson and Hills star Holly Montag. Of course, the celebrities later voted to bring Holly back for one more day -- just long enough to get her into her underwear, of course -- but she was quickly sent packing again. Before Holly's one-day return, we got to sit in on a conference call with Holly and Janice, so while we weren't able to ask them about the one getting chosen over the other, we were able to ask Holly about Sanjolly, Heidi and Playboy and Janice about the granola bar incident, Jon Lovitz, her vagina and Jon Lovitz. You can't wait, can you?
Today's TV headlines are pretty great, complete with Lost, Glee, and the world's grossest dating show!