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Oprah gets even more money? Happy Friday, Oprah! Is Oprah's wealth ever news though?
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Some confused soul over at VH1 has mistaken Miley Cyrus for a diva (it was the pole dancing that did it, wasn't it?!), and we may soon be making jokes about the spawn of Speidi. It's a heinous day in news.
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It's as if Mother Nature felt bad for taking our 70-degree March weather away and replacing it with rain, so she gave us some wonderfully nerdy TV news to make up for it.
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Saturday Night Live was strange this week. It was actually pretty awesome. Not only was it a good week for topical humor, thanks to an injection of tiger blood, but the writers actually seemed to know how to write for the host. It probably also didn't hurt that Miley Cyrus seems totally game for anything that seems like good clean fun, whether it's Biebering it up or making fun of herself and her dad. For all of you SNL apologists out there, this is your proof that the show can be awesome, even if it has to rely on fake celebrity talk shows and fake commercials most of the time. Of course, even Miley couldn't save every sketch.
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Awards, Can't They Just Leave Well Enough Alone?, Celebrity Child Abuse
The Teen Choice Awards, aka The Miley Cyrus Twilight Program, with Special Guests the Jonas BrothersThe Jonas Brothers may have hosted the show, but I swear Miley Cyrus was on stage more than anybody, even Robert Pattinson. Accepting awards, lightly pole dancing, "honoring" her "hero" Britney, lip-synching to somebody's plugged-in iPod (how is it possible to sound so bad while lip-synching? My vocal cords hurt for her), blessing us like the teen pope she is, talking to that mop-headed micromachine fast-talking guy, selling us Max Azria for Wal-Mart and on and on and on. Why bother even having somebody else host it? They should have just made Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Zac Efron, Chace Crawford and the JoBros line up on stage while Miley went down the row and sang, "Look at this guy!" over and over at them for two hours. It would have been much more efficient, yet still exactly the same show.
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If you are a Time Warner Cable customer and were planning on watching their Miley-filled New Year's Eve special (and I sincerely hope it was either because you wanted to mock it, or because you have a tween in your house that you wanted to appease) you may be out of luck. At 12:01 am, Time Warner's deal with Viacom goes kaput, and talks aren't looking so good. There's like money and that kind of crap involved (Variety has the specifics) but basically it comes down to the customers getting screwed over. Happy New Year!
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Of course, one always says that, and it's almost never true. But in the aftermath of the compromised, comparatively short, intermittently surprising 2008 Oscar telecast, there were a few things floating about the internet that I thought might be of interest.
1. Miley Cyrus didn't trip on her heels! And Colin Farrell wasn't drunk (or if he was, it wasn't why he slipped on the way to the podium), and John Travolta wasn't pulled downward by the weight of his own irrelevance. All of them slipped on some kind of silicon spray used by stagehands. I'm just going to pretend they use Pam, because that's funnier.
2. Did you notice that Brad Renfro wasn't in the "In Memoriam" montage last night? I confess that I totally didn't, because I was waiting for whatever beautiful shot of Heath Ledger they picked from Brokeback Mountain. Anyway, apparently Renfro was left out on purpose. Cold.
3. You know the conventional wisdom that David Letterman has never hosted the Oscars since that one time, in 1995, because he stank up the joint -- conventional wisdom, by the way, that I never credited because I thought he was hilarious? According to Nikki Finke, it's not true: she says the AMPAS asks him back every year but he always says no. Aw, Dave.
4. Finally: you've read all the red-carpet commentary from people who actually know about fashion. Now, read BestWeekEver.tv's Red Carpet Recap Written By A Straight Dude. -
Miley Cyrus recently told the world that she would like to make a younger, cleaner Sex and the City, you know, for kids! This makes no sense to me. A younger, cleaner Sex and the City? I don't understand. First of all, are the characters in high school, like Miley? And are they country like Miley? So instead of being glamorous publicists, art gallery fancypants, high-powered lawyers and sex columnists, they'll be, like, part-time at Hot Dog on a Stick?
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Gather 'round, I have fantastic news! Heidi Montag's not the only Speidi member with an illustrious recording career anymore!
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Dear Miley,
I read that you have extended an invite to Malia and Sasha Obama to come and guest on your dumb Hannah Montana show, and I have this to say: Step away from the Obamas. They are perfect and beautiful and classy and they don't need your tarty Disney Lolita germs and bad highlights polluting their purity. They don't need your stupid horse teeth blinding them or your fake rock music clogging up their pristine ears and brains. They don't need to look to you as a role model or a style icon, because you are trashy and fake and completely unwholesome. You can quit it with trying to court them now that their dad is about to be president and ruler of the free world, cuz I bet you your dad voted for McCain. Just because they enjoy your television show (it is slightly hypnotizing) doesn't make it appropriate for you to try to get in your bid for tween ambassador to the White House. Just stop it. I am serious.
Signed,
A totally not anonymous concerned citizen
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