It's time for The Celebrity Apprentice to try and top last year's "Whore pit viper!" moment with something even more insane. And it looks like they might -- Sharon Osbourne, Bret Michaels, Rod Blagojevich and Cyndi Lauper (among others) are all going to be forced to interact with each other. Frankly, I'd be surprised if they all come out alive. So to promote Sunday night's premiere episode, The Donald and Bret Michaels got on the horn to field press calls on a massive conference call. Highlights:
Chad Ochocinco is a fascinating guy who did a very strange (and publicity-grabbing) thing by legally changing his last name from Johnson to what he thought was the Spanish translation of his NFL jersey number. How crazy! Who does that?! So now he's on every show, including his very own VH1 dating show Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch. The series premiered last night with a supersized episode, and while I genuinely do find Ochocinco to be pretty entertaining, this show is not even near the quality of VH1 trash to which I have become accustomed. I mean, not even the presence of the great T.O. could save this thing.
Someone named Daisy (who was described to me as "the one who looks like Janice from the Muppets" -- not helpful, Angel) recently told TMZ that she had done some dirty things with Bret Michaels, even though he has a girlfriend (someone named Ambre, which I'm told is pronounced "Amber" and not "Am-Bree" like it's spelled -- not helpful, whoever named Ambre). This has apparently become very big news because Ambre has taken to her Myspace blog to defend her man's honor. Keep in mind her man is Bret Michaels, so I don't really understand why she's bothering, but here's what she had to say:
"Daisy has no involvement with Bret and my relationship, therefore there is no validity to her statement."
So yeah, he totally nailed that Daisy person. Probably wore a red bandana when he did it, too. He's Bret Michaels. I'm Mindy Monez. I have no idea what I'm talking about.
We've already put out our plea for bubble show Chuck to return next fall, but plenty more of our favorites are in danger of falling through the network programming cracks. Here's nine more series that deserve another season, but may not get one. We know, we know, wishin' and hopin' didn't do Pushing Daisies any good, but we're sending out a prayer to the TV powers-that-be anyway: when upfront time rolls around in a month or so, please let at least some of these shows reappear on your schedules.
Finding love in the wild world of reality TV, it is just hard to know if a girl is a skank or a ho. If she's just a famewhore who wants some media attention, or if she really truly loves you with your venereal diseases and all. That's why Bret Michaels, who thought he found love twice before, is on the hunt again with Rock of Love 3. This is the most disgustingly awesome news we've heard all day.
VH1 is producing a new show called, I Love Money. It will feature poor unfortunate fame grubbing souls from Flavor of Love, Rock of Love and I Love New York (that's a whole lotta love) competing for cash money. My first reaction to the news that there was going to be yet another spinoff from Flavor of Love was, 'Why, God? Why are you punishing us this way?' But considering that the contestants are not even pretending that their goal is to find a deep and true connection with one of the three ickiest people on the planet over the course of a few weeks, I'm almost OK with it. The famewhores (who have not yet been announced, even though the show has already been filmed) will go head-to-head in "reality show competitions" (whatever that may mean) for a chance to win some greenbacks. It will only be worth watching if we get a skanktastic show down between FoL's Pumkin and RoL's Heather. That could be a truly disgusting and irresistible trainwreck destined for YouTube.
You might know Megan Hauserman as the "Beauty" from Beauty and the Geek, season three. No? What about one of the forgettable blondes vying for Bret Michaels' affections on the last season of Rock of Love? Still nothing? Perhaps you saw her on the most excellent Rock of Love: Charm School, VH1's latest trash TV offering, in which my hero Sharon Osborne gets all Henry Higgins on the Rock of Love cast-offs' asses and tries to make them into ladies. If you haven't seen this show yet, you are missing the hell out, son! Earlier in the season, Sharon unceremoniously dismissed Hauserman when she caught her telling untruths and generally acting like a shady beeyatch, which was totally her M.O. on Rock of Love, too. See, Sharon's no fool and she won't tolerate any low-down dirty behavior.
We've been hearing that the fact that we don't do an Announcements thread anymore has sometimes made it less likely that you'll find the new stuff we've added. So I thought I'd take today to kind of give you a roundup of what's new and interesting around here.
In terms of new shows, let's open with Celebrity Apprentice, which is part of the old Apprentice section that we dragged out of PH. The show is being enthusiastically discussed on the boards and weecapped by the always-brilliant M. Giant, who can deflate idiots like nobody else on the staff. The matchup of M. Giant versus Trump is one I am already thoroughly enjoying, even if the outcome is a foregone conclusion. From the first weecap, regarding Gene Simmons: "Apparently the Kiss bassist isn't getting enough screen time on his very own reality show. Who would have thought that a guy who spent the '70s making himself up like a zombie bat and spitting blood needed so much attention?"
Next up: Cashmere Mafia, which is in the capable hands of Jeff, whom you know and love from Project Runway and, of course, from Viva Laughlin. For which we totally gave him hazard pay. Okay, we didn't. But there is no one more capable of taking apart a silly outfit, so while this show isn't even off to the races yet and the first full recap isn't up, consider this taste of what's to come, just from the recaplet: "Caitlin is a lesbian? Er, we meet her when a guy is dumping her at breakfast. Then, she meets Alicia Lawson at her office and sparks fly. She consults her priest, also her brother, who tells her to go for it. I know, this is great. Her brother is hot too. So she goes on a date with Alicia, and they kiss. She seems to like it. And, she has a car in Manhattan. And, I think she was drinking and driving." I'm in, you guys.
After approximately four billion years and sixty billion episodes, we have finally adopted Law & Order, the original. Suffice it to say that Sars's first weecap concludes thusly: "In short, Conlan does the right thing, Kleist looks like he ate a mosquito, end credits." She's not going to let you down, you guys. She's been here since the words "Memo to sound guy: turn down the mix on the lip mic. Thank you." got me hooked on Dawson's Wrap when most of you were in short pants. Lauren S will be helping out with those as well, while Grey's Anatomy mops its brow.
We've also added Bravo's own Make Me A Supermodel, which will have weecaps from Al Lowe, who is taking just a tiny step down in quality from Pushing Daisies.
You've hopefully seen, if you've been watching the homepage, that we've picked up Rock Of Love and are -- and you are lucky here -- receiving weecaps of the entire first season from the inimitable Potes, and I am here to tell you that these suckers are absolutely drop-dead hilarious, to the point where we read something from one of them out loud in the bullpen just about every day. Today, the line I read out loud was this: "Heather is sitting herself down and writing Bret a letter 'exposing' the other girls, which she's sure will go over well. She interviews, 'Get the hell out of here and go hang out with Justin Timberlake, you starfucker.' And I mean, that's actually like the pot calling the pot a pot." It is a perfect marriage of writer and material, and we're just lucky Potes is willing to fill them in for us before the second season takes off this weekend. Seriously, you guys: all kinds of funny, whether you have ever watched the show or not.
Also wonderful: M. Giant's classic weecaps of season 2 of The Office, most recently "The Injury" and "The Secret." If you're missing new episodes, it's a perfect time to drop in and visit with some wonderful old ones. Particularly if you enjoy your Office weecaps without a single-minded focus on the love story of you-know-who and you-know-who, this is the perfect set of weecaps for you.
Of course, we have also spent the last few months with Wing Chun heroically filling in several seasons of The Wire, which...dude, if you can picture how much work a regular recap probably is, a recap of The Wire is about twice as much work as that, given the combination of greater length and ridiculous density. Okay, probably three times as much work. And Wing has published, by my count, 23 of them since the beginning of September when the fall season began to ramp up. We're now getting assists from the Sobells with Season Three, so before you know it, we'll have the whole series knocked, and that's a lot of Baltimore ground to cover in a relatively short time. That's on top, of course, of the new season recaps that will appear beginning this very week.
If you didn't get a chance to see the TWoP "We've Been To The Fuuuuuture" video segment, make sure you drop by and experience that, if only for the wonderful moment in which the charming narrator says, "Saaaaaally."
We know you miss your regular shows; we miss your regular shows, too. But we're still burning through the television landscape with all the vigor we can muster, so stick around.
So it's not a big secret that my biggest guilty pleasure is Rock of Love. It's not just the insanely over the top drunken antics and really slutty girls that make this show so addictive, but it is also Bret himself. There's something oddly intriguing about the way he makes every girl, no matter if she's just puked her brains out or has spent the evening curled up with speed bump, feel like she's special. He's sort of a sweetheart underneath the fake hair, the gross bandanna and the rocker image. I was hoping that Antonio Sabato Jr.'s new show My Antonio would be similar to Rock of Love and fill that disease ridden void in my TV diet, but alas, it doesn't measure up. I worked up this little side-by-side comparison to prove my point.
When news broke this week that The Hills would be continuing without its star Lauren Conrad next season, nobody seemed too perturbed by it. Surprising? Not really. Because besides the show not being terribly relevant anymore, the appeal of The Hills has always had less to do with Lauren Conrad herself than it does with the joy of watching little idiots stare at each other in sunny Los Angeles. (And hating Speidi, of course, but these days you can do that from the comfort of the Internet.) So, in honor of The Hills being brave enough to soldier on without LC, it seems only proper that we've come up with 10 suggestions for other shows that might want to follow suit.