Ob-la-di, ob-la-da, Life goes on... but not for very much longer.
Recently, Daniel Franco, who already had two chances at Project Runway (two too many, if you ask us) got another shot at reality TV by appearing as the self-described lovechild of Susan Boyle and Adam Lambert on American Idol. Really, some people just don't know when to quit. However, he did inspire us to look back at the desperate, pathetic famewhores who make his two brief runs at reality TV look practically lazy by comparison.
Congratulations, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt -- you've managed to get yet another article written about you. It's sad that it had to be about you pretending to break up, but congrats on getting people (and People) to report on the break-up like it was real. (And saying it was over "fake bad press"? So meta!) Hopefully, this revelation won't affect your ability to get onto a show about single girls, Heidi, or your ability to dress like a hobo, Spencer, but if you're running out of fake scandals to milk, here are some headlines we came up with that we're pretty sure the more gullible celebrity rags will go for. Use them whenever you feel the warming glow of flashbulbs fading away and the cold winter of anonymity approaching. We've even suggested handy follow-up projects!
Jennifer Aniston's descending upon yet another perfectly good show, and Sookeh and Bee-ehl got married in the real life.
Okay, everyone laughs at Heidi and Spencer Pratt's staged photo ops and I'm a Celebrity... shenanigans, and Heidi's so-called music career, and Spencer's so-called "beard," because we all know that they're just trying to get people to take pictures of them, and to get America to continue to pay attention to them. But now it's just sad. Spencer claims he is in the process of changing his name -- legally, mind you -- to "King Spencer Pratt," because, in his words, "I have decided that if there is a Queen of England and Prince William, we need to have a King of America, and I have nominated myself for that title." Seriously, is he mentally ill? [Dear Rest of the World: Please ignore him.]
Holy crap what a piece of trash this show is. You know when you settle in to watch something you know is going to be a disaster, and it just goes so far beyond the level of garbage you expected into some other realm of toxic waste television? That's what I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! is. The Bachelorette is trashy. The Hills is garbage. I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! is radioactive and should be buried in a drum deep in the desert somewhere. I loved it! I bet I won't feel that way three nights from now when I've overdosed and started glowing in the dark, but for now let's run down the awesomely horrible and just plain horrible moments from last night's premiere, since the terms "good" and "bad" do not apply to deadly nuclear waste, which is of course all "bad." Alert the CDC, I'm makin' a list!
Some sad news today for Kung Fu fans, but some great news for Hell's Kitchen fans and pervs, so it's not all bad.
Now that Sad Grampa and his sidekick ol' HMILF (that's Hockey Mom I'd Like To .... oh you know) are safely out of the picture and Obama's beginning his quest to right the wrongs of the past administration, I feel it's appropriate to train our focus on an insidious enemy that's set down deep roots in this fair nation of ours. You all know what I'm talking about right?
So unless you're one of the 26% of people that the Sprint commercial told me had never heard of Twitter, you know it's been a big week for tweeters. Tweeting? Twits? This lingo is killing me. Anyway: Ashton Kutcher won the race to 1,000,000 followers! Suck it, CNN. And Oprah's on Twitter now! Preemptively suck it, Ashton! But there's an even more exciting piece of Twitter news, one that brings us more joy even than the news that we can now follow Ice-T (and by the way...we're on Twitter too!)...
Some confused soul over at VH1 has mistaken Miley Cyrus for a diva (it was the pole dancing that did it, wasn't it?!), and we may soon be making jokes about the spawn of Speidi. It's a heinous day in news.