Watching the Teen Choice Awards is a strange thing to do as a childless adult. It's an alternating mix of feeling old because I know who some of the people are because of my job but am not quite sure what their deal is (Demi Lovato and Selena Gomez are like that), and feeling immature because I can't help but get way too excited about Zefron and seeing the Pretty Little Liars and Vampire Diaries casts in sparkly outfits with hairdos and whatnot. And when neither of those things are happening I'm just being made uncomfortable by grown-ups trying to play down to kids, which is so awkward, and I don't even think kids like it -- I know I didn't like it when I was a kid. And then there's Katy Perry, who's just the most disgusting thing in the world, mugging for the camera at every turn in little high-school fantasy outfits. In short, it was a nightmare. Here are the noteworthy happenings from two of the weirdest hours of my life.
A much-anticipated show is moving up to a closer date, former stars get their jobs back, and a head honcho disses a famous star. That's the dish on the real-world TV news, but in the teeny-bopper realm, it's about Twilight, Twilight and more Twilight. Gag.
The Jonas Brothers may have hosted the show, but I swear Miley Cyrus was on stage more than anybody, even Robert Pattinson. Accepting awards, lightly pole dancing, "honoring" her "hero" Britney, lip-synching to somebody's plugged-in iPod (how is it possible to sound so bad while lip-synching? My vocal cords hurt for her), blessing us like the teen pope she is, talking to that mop-headed micromachine fast-talking guy, selling us Max Azria for Wal-Mart and on and on and on. Why bother even having somebody else host it? They should have just made Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Zac Efron, Chace Crawford and the JoBros line up on stage while Miley went down the row and sang, "Look at this guy!" over and over at them for two hours. It would have been much more efficient, yet still exactly the same show.