Leaving aside the whole question of Stephen King's extremely lame column (which...you know, talk of who's cool and who isn't couldn't be less cool in general -- and is even more absurd when it's coming from "your old Uncle Stevie," GAH), but was I the only one who noticed in the latest issue's Hollywood Insider (there's also a blog, not that this item is on it, for whatever reason) that he's going to be doing a new series on ABC? It'll be loosely based on what the magazine describes as his "mystery novel The Colorado Kid" (never heard of it). King himself says it'll be "closer to The X-Files than Supernatural," adding, "[I]t's not something that keeps me up nights, the way Kingdom Hospital did."
Ladies and gentlemen! He did it! The one-millionth reference to the failure of Kingdom Hospital, apparently the biggest tragedy of Stephen King's life since he got run over by that guy in the van! I swear to God, it seems like he mentions it any time anyone talks about ABC, TV, hospitals, or kingdoms; if he were Jon Favreau, it would be his getting cut from Mrs. Parker And The Vicious Circle. Like, can someone please tell this goof that he's one of the bestselling authors alive, and that maybe he should just take some solace in that instead of chewing over this one failed TV series like it was the last straw that sent him from Easy Street to living in a fridge? God.
So in the great tradition of list-making for the sake of list-making, Entertainment Weekly brings you the 50 Greatest TV Icons Of All Time Ever Bar None No Matter What, or whatever they're calling it. It's not that I don't enjoy a good photo gallery as much as the next person, but damn, a list of 50 and the only way to see them is to click through every one individually? That is diabolical, man.
Anyway. A few questions:
1. Jimmy Smits is a bigger icon than Larry Hagman? Really? I mean...I guess so? But Jimmy Smits wasn't involved in the biggest television-changing event of all time, to be honest. He was good on L.A. Law and very good on NYPD Blue, but now he's in Cane, and in case you haven't noticed, nobody cares.
2. Enough with Lassie, TV nostalgia people. I'm serious.
3. Jon Stewart should be higher than #41. That's television-changing television he's involved with, and he is the face of it, no matter how hot Colbert is now. He invented what he does, really, or he at least perfected it, and before him, it was a show trying to do the same thing and doing it only one-tenth as well.
4. I was totally jazzed to see Heather Locklear at #25, because: absolutely. Absolutely. My best friend and I have discussed her as a great example of why you should always try to be great to work with. She's had a million chances to make "comebacks" she really doesn't need, and you can tell everybody loves to work with her. She's always funny, she's criminally underrated as a charismatic presence, and she overcame a totally insubstantial cheesecake image to turn into a lady I'm always happy to see on anything I watch. And I think it's completely adorable that she's dating Jack Wagner. Good for them. Go be happy together, '80s icons!
5. I continue to believe that some of the most famously "beloved" television comedy was not funny. The TWoP book is on record as anti-Lucy, and while I'm not exactly anti, I can certainly say I don't get what the fuss is about. Ditto Milton Berle, because Jesus, I'm not a person who laughs at just a man in a dress.
6. You can't have Simon Cowell and have no representation from Survivor. Shoulda had Hatch, I think.
7. I was all set to complain about the lack of anything remotely recent, but I'm prepared to admit that honestly, aging well is part of what being an icon is about. I'm sure there are people appearing right now who will one day be icons, but it's hard to say who they are. Patrick Dempsey? Conan O'Brien? Hayden Pannetiere? Kyle Chandler? No idea. But EW will be there with click-through pictures of every one of them.
EW published a little list of those they deem to be the smartest folks in the TV biz today, and normally I wouldn't be talking about one of their features here but the internet kind of exploded over it for some reason, so I thought maybe we should discuss it. Also because there is some seriously retarded crap on it: