Damn, did you guys see the debut of Ricco Rodriguez on Celebrity Rehab? I'm kind of difficult to shock, reality-show-wise, but when the dude sat there and calmly explained to everyone about the time he smashed his car into the back of a truck, thought his girlfriend was dead, and moved her body behind the wheel so it would look like she was driving and he wouldn't get in trouble? Wow. Just...seriously, wow.
I loved it when Ricco went to talk to Shifty to complain about Rehab Shelly, and he was basically doing the bit with, "Bitches, eh?" And Shifty's all, "Don't tug on Rehab Shelly's cape, man. She'll kick your ass." Figuratively speaking, of course. I loved the fact that Ricco got zero traction with Shifty, who appears to really want to get well and get back to his family, and who's not having any of anybody's nonsense. Who knew I liked Shifty?
On the other hand, how revolting to see Daniel Baldwin buddying up to Ricco with the "Jessica Sierra only sees abusive fathers and boyfriends in you because she's a 21-year-old who's been rejected" routine. I have news for you, jerk: Jessica sees abusive fathers and boyfriends in Ricco because Ricco is an addict who gives so little of a damn about his girlfriend that he tried to frame her for an accident when he thought she was dead. Ricco's "I can be an addict without affecting my kids" was the biggest ocean of denial the show has seen since Baldwin claimed that his fat cells were leaking ancient cocaine.
In other news: I can't stand Jeff's girlfriend, who appears to be posing for the cameras at all times; I have never loved Dr. Drew more than when he told Jeff, "I need you to act as though you're sane"; Jeff is never right about anything related to his treatment, but he was certainly right that Dr. Drew looked hot in his T-shirt and jeans. My attachment to Dr. Drew feels very incongruous in the context of this depressing show.
The recruiting process for a show like Celebrity Rehab is much more discriminating than you might imagine. Like The Surreal Life and other reality shows of its ilk, CR requires a very specific mix of celebrities who fall into precise pop culture-based categories. The more a categories a celeb belongs to, the more incentive, to my mind, there is to cast him or her (and the more likely he or she will be to provoke all manner of drama on the show). Taking cues from last season's diverse lineup, I've devised a crib sheet of pre-req's that stars must satisfy to be eligible for the show from here on out.