Hey, Heroes viewers! Tim Kring has thought long and hard about you loyal ladies and gents and has decided that all of you fall into one of two groups: either you're a superior sumbitch, or you're an [expletives] sap. Fun! Either way, it's everybody else's fault but his own that Heroes has crap ratings these days. Read the quote below to decipher which one you are. It's like a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book! Oh, Tim Kring, how do you come up with all these hip nerd references all the time? And without even ever having lifted a comic book in your life, you say?! You're a national treasure.

You know how every news outlet in the Western Hemisphere reported that Lipstick Jungle had been canceled last week? Well, according to Brooke Shields that was all a lie! She told NY Mag yesterday that "it's erroneously presented that we've been canceled, thank God." And went on to add, "Our bosses are saying, 'You're not canceled, don't worry.'" Really, Brooke Shields? Because what we've heard is that the writers have cleaned out their offices, and that you've been, you know, shitcanned. Looks like somebody went to the Denise Richards School of Cancellation Denial, where if you say your show is picked up to the press enough times, it will magically become true, despite insurmountable cause and reason to cancel it. But hey, if it keeps Kim Raver away from 24, I say we renew this thing for the next 10 years, NBC!

OK! Magazine is boldly proclaiming that "a source close to" Paula Abdul told them she's looking to leave American Idol in order to pursue other projects. Yes, because the woman who was fired from the Bratz dolls movie and who couldn't even carry a Bravo reality show better than a bunch of Orange Country trophy twits can really only go up from the biggest show on television, can't she? Especially when she's not even expected to show up to work remotely sober, or to speak coherent English when on camera.

The truth: the only way Paula Abdul is ever leaving American Idol is if she's dragged out, kicking and screaming. Too harsh? Don't worry, she's way too high to read this.

What has country music come to? All the ladies last night had criminally normal hair! Hell, even Kid Rock's backup dancers looked like they'd managed to avoid draining six bottles of Aquanet and/or a visit to Dolly's wigmaker when putting together their look. We watch these things for giant hair, Nashville! Get your sides out! And speaking of things that were missing from the country music industry spectacle, the following crowd-pleasers did not take the stage and I'm steamin' mad: Tim and Faith, Dolly Parton, Dierks Bentley, Gretchen Wilson, Little Big Town, and Toby Keith (OK, maybe I didn't miss Toby Keith, per se, but for being the BMOC of Nashville, he was glaringly absent). On the upside, there was no Jessica Simpson! Ahh, that one almost makes up for the lack of Tim and Faith. Except not at all, because they are amazing shining lights of hope and everlasting love that make Brangelina look like Speidi. Anyway.

Not exactly earth-shattering Office news, but I count myself as one of Ryan's loyal fans, so here we go. B.J. Novak has requested some time off from the series to film Quentin Tarantino's Nazi-slaying epic, Inglourious Basterds, and Ausiello is reporting that he may never come back, not even as a writer. There are conflicting reports -- some say he'll be back for a few more episodes this season, other insiders say he'll still write a few more episodes, but he's done playing Ryan on-screen.

Well, that does it, I guess. When I posted the new Dollhouse trailer yesterday, I mentioned that it ends with a vague "Coming soon to Fox" in lieu of an official premiere date, but just assumed it was still coming in January, as was previously planned. Thanks to helpful commenter "Gillaume," who tipped me off that the premiere has been moved to Friday, February 13, with Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles as its lead-in, which Fox's official site also confirms. I hate to be a buzzkill on a Friday, but that is just the saddest news.

So last night's episode marked the final appearance of Brooke Smith, aka Seattle Grace's Dr. Hahn. There's still speculation on if it was because her character was gay, or if they just didn't know how to deal with giving this ballbusting surgeon a romantic relationship, or if they just wanted a hotter, younger model. But whatever it was, I personally thought that the exit was abysmally handled. They should take a page from the ER handbook of how to write out characters, because when someone leaves this show, it's like bang and they are gone.

Oh South Park! You and your searing political insights! As I've been informed they do every election year, those jokers Trey Parker and Matt Stone will be airing a brand new episode of their raunchy toon tomorrow featuring whoever ends up being the winner of this here election. Guess that means the animators have been busy drawing up two possible scenarios for two different President Elects. Or they're just relying on the popularity polls, which've been telling us for a while now that Obama's a shoo-in. What? Don't shoot the messenger, dudes! I'm just reporting what the news reporters are saying.

Go vote (please?) and then tune in to Comedy Central tomorrow night at 10 PM EST to watch South Park's super dooper presidential episode, "About Last Night ..." featuring Obama somebody and gloat or cry, whichevs.

In the infamous words of Law & Order's Serena Southerlyn, "Is this because I'm a lesbian?" Dr. Erica Hahn is getting summarily discharged from Seattle Grace only a week after she came out of the closet and saw the leaves through the trees or whatever. Rumors are that ABC didn't like her racy "south of the border" storyline with Callie. (Though Shonda Rimes insists in a statement that Smith wasn't fired because her character was a lesbian, and that they still have Callie, a lesbian, on the show). In her interview with EW's Ausiello, Brooke Smith says she was told they couldn't write for her character any more.

People just loooooove making connections between TV and human behavior, don't they? (Full disclosure, I eat this shiz up.) Between the political preferences that your TiVo allegedly reveal and the fact that Law & Order makes you fat, it seems turning on your tube is a fraught endeavor these days. 'Course this is nothing new, but it sure seems like the conspiracy theorists that propagate these myths are coming out of the woodwork of late to make us afraid to tune in to our favorite shows. Maybe they're just feeling left out cuz they can't afford to upgrade to digital in February? Who the hell knows.