The Telefile

Recently in Things We’re Ashamed Of Category

Eden’s World: It’s a Small One (After All)

Truth be told, I did not specifically remember little Eden Wood out of all the other pageant children on Toddlers & Tiaras. I also don't entirely understand why Logo, of all networks, decided to give this seven-year-old her own reality show, but I assume it has something to do with connections from her "King of Reality" manager, Andrew Sullivan. Whatever the case, the pilot was fun and mindless enough except for one obviously glaring problem: Not enough Eden!

2 Broke Girls: If You’ve Never Been to Brooklyn But Still Hate It, This Is the Show For You

You have to be cautious when you recommend 2 Broke Girls to a family member, friend or co-worker. Sure, maybe the pilot made you giggle, but if a person randomly tuned into "And Strokes of Goodwill," they might assume you're a racist, raunch-loving freak who watches that terrible CBS show that comes on before Two and a Half Men. Forever more, your taste level will be scrutinized and people will think of you differently. It's a bad scene (and a true story).

Cuff’d:  Spell it Like Punk’d, Watch it like Cops

MTV hasn't been doing much to promote its newest half-hour reality series, and it's understandable why: Cuff'd is the kind of show that finds you, most likely when you're flipping through the channels late at night looking for something half-dumb, half-exploitative to watch. It's the genre I usually expect to see from Spike TV and I'm frankly surprised they didn't nab it first.

Thanks to Jersey Shore, It’s Now Cool to Be a Douche

As a native of New Jersey and a witness to the increasing population of guidos in my predominantly Italian town way before MTV's cash cow Jersey Shore aired last year, I decided to re-explore the very location that I once vacationed at as a child, which has now become the epicenter of a cultural phenomenon. So, prepared to see sights that I could never forget (try as I might), I voyaged to where MTV has started filming the third season of the show: the Seaside Heights boardwalk. Or, as my peers and I have always called it, Sleazeside Heights.

Spartacus: Blood and Sand… And Sex and Intrigue and Decapitations

If there was ever an era that was perfect to be made into a pay-cable TV series, it's ancient Rome. Courtly intrigue, coupled with the excesses that the Romans indulged in -- glorious conquest, opulent wealth, killing for entertainment, sex as a distraction from boredom -- form the perfect recipe for mass entertainment. Why else do you think Gladiator won an Academy Award? The HBO series Rome tried to capture that glory, and succeeded; unfortunately, it was too expensive to last more than two seasons. Starz is following a different route, however -- they're emulating the film 300, which re-created ancient Greece on a budget by using computers and green screens. There are sets in Spartacus, of course, but they're far from the massive exteriors of Rome, and most of their characters (like the Spartans in 300), require very little costuming. I don't know what budgetary category "washboard abs" falls under (catering?), but it ain't costumes.

The Least Accurate Porn Parodies of TV Shows

by Zach Oat October 22, 2009 6:00 am
The Least Accurate Porn Parodies of TV Shows

Porn parodies of TV show are all the rage nowadays. In fact, they're so prevalent that 30 Rock has a storyline tonight in which Liz Lemon decides to cut out the middleman and produce a 30 Rock porn herself. However, they fail to mention the fact that there already is a 30 Rock porn. (You can see the SFW trailer here, if you don't mind a few f-bombs.) It actually looks like a pretty good parody, too -- the guy who plays Tracy Jordan actually has some really funny lines, and the Jack Donaghy character is sufficiently raspy. But while this particular parody seems to be faithful to the show, a lot of the porns out there take liberties that cannot be tolerated. If it doesn't work as a porn, just don't do it! Here are a few of the most egregious offenders.

Brothers: Are You Ready for Some Football Acting?

On paper, Brothers looks like a textbook example of a cheesy, formulaic sitcom: Take a celebrity famous for something besides acting (Reba McEntire, Bob Uecker, the Jonas Bros.), put them in a situation where they basically play themselves, and "comedy" will ensue. Former NY Giant Michael Strahan fills that role in Brothers, playing an ex-NFLer who moves back home after losing all of his millions in a bad investment, and while he is certainly no actor, he doesn't really need to be, because he's surrounded by pretty talented -- and funny -- people.

British Shows More Americans Should be Watching

With the notable exceptions of The Office and American Idol, American translations of British TV shows do not have the best luck. U.S. remakes of Coupling and Life on Mars didn't last long on the air, and it seems like many attempts at do-overs don't even make it past the pilot stage. Still, NBC has announced that they will remake the British series Prime Suspect, a crime drama about a female police detective played by Academy Award-winner Helen Mirren. Now, it may turn out to be really good, but we don't have high hopes because, without the talented Mirren (who earned two Emmys for the role), it'll just be another murder investigation series, of which there are plenty on American TV already. No, we think it's time the networks followed NBC's lead with Merlin and started broadcasting all of the British series that they're so excited to remake -- after all, most of the lead actors on TV this fall are British, faking American accents, so why not show them in their natural habitats? We've got a list of British shows that deserve wider American viewership, whether it's on the networks or just from the DVDs. It's a small fraction of what's out there, but it's what we like right now. (Disclaimer: Some of these have aired on U.S. cable networks in the past, but hey, so was Prime Suspect, on PBS's Mystery and Masterpiece Theatre.)

Spencer Pratt Declares Himself King of America; We Have Other Names For Him

Okay, everyone laughs at Heidi and Spencer Pratt's staged photo ops and I'm a Celebrity... shenanigans, and Heidi's so-called music career, and Spencer's so-called "beard," because we all know that they're just trying to get people to take pictures of them, and to get America to continue to pay attention to them. But now it's just sad. Spencer claims he is in the process of changing his name -- legally, mind you -- to "King Spencer Pratt," because, in his words, "I have decided that if there is a Queen of England and Prince William, we need to have a King of America, and I have nominated myself for that title." Seriously, is he mentally ill? [Dear Rest of the World: Please ignore him.]

Why Am I Watching Drop Dead Diva All the Time? On paper, Drop Dead Diva is exactly the kind of thing I would hate. Pretty girls are stupid and shallow, fat girls are smart but pathetic and lonely, mixed in with a few shamelessly ripped-from-Legally-Blonde courtroom scenes: the show. So clich├ęd, so stupid, and ostensibly, so condescending to the female audience it appeals to. But for whatever reason, I've been utterly charmed by it. Brooke Elliott is adorable, her best friend Stacy is sweet and likable, and that Dermot Mulroney-looking guy is mopey but somehow completely tolerable. I even think the over-the-top, wholly implausible courtroom scenes are funny. I don't know, maybe I'm having a stupid stuff renaissance or something. I did just tell the internet how psyched I am for G-Force, and I've been watching a lot of Gossip Girl DVDs pretty much unironically, which is just not normal.



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