Recently in True Tales Of The TWoP Bullpen Category
So last month we were sort of excited about the prospect of the Human Tetris game show import. But then Saturday I saw them auditioning freaky people for this game show at the local Dave & Busters (I like their mini-burgers, please don't judge). Anyway, Hole in the Wall, the nice pretty American title, is exactly what it sounds like, but looks even stupider than you can possibly imagine.
Here are some thoughts/predictions, in no particular order:
So there this photo of Clay Aiken in the TWoP bullpen (...I'm just going to let you all marinate in that one for a moment and start again with a new paragraph).
It's a printout of Clay's face, up close, from a very recent photo and while it vexes me for many, many reasons, it mostly vexes me because in this photo he looks exactly like Martina Navratilova. And I like Martina Navratilova, so the connection is doubly troubling. But it did remind me that, with the new season of American Idol right around the corner, waiting to devour us all whole for the forseeable future, I should probably lay down some Idol primer here on the Telefile. So while I was researching for the Ten Most Insane Performances In Idol History (coming Monday, and thus concludes this segment of the TWoP True Hollywood Story: Joe Writes A Damn Blog Entry), I came to one conclusion that I felt needed to be addressed all by itself. It's a truth I now feel more strongly than anything I've ever felt about Idol. And that truth, quite simply, is this:
OH MY GOD, WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T SING "TURN THE BEAT AROUND"!
Never before has one song done so much damage to the fragile ears of America. For one thing, it's not even that good a song -- not in its original Vickie Sue Robinson incarnation, not in its Gloria Estefan incarnation, and not in any of its FAR too many Idol variations.
Or have you forgotten Carmen Rasmusen's version? I didn't watch much of Season 2, and since there seems to be one contestant each season who gets the "Goat Girl/Boy" designation for their vibrato, most of them not being that bad, I fell into a "How bad could she really be?" place. After some YouTube-ing, I got my answer, and that answer was "Feta" because never before has the combination of goat and cheese been more profound.
Or how about Diana DeGarmo's rendition, with its almost otherworldly flatness, not to mention the Fringe Skirt That Ate Up With People? There's no reason for you to remember Season 4's Amanda Avila, but she bombed with it too and was off the show within two weeks. And of course, last season, poor Haley Scarnato not only added the disco non-anthem to her long list of "Songs That Have Kicked My Ass" but also had to sing it twice because it's the song she got voted out on.
Seriously, Season 7-ers, don't do it. I don't care if it's Disco Night, Gloria Estefan Night, Songs That Are Also Imperatives Night or what: there's a better option out there. And stay away from "Crazy Little Thing Called Love," too, damn.
Wing: I don't want to interfere with the picks, but can I suggest My Shocking Story: Half Man, Half Tree?
Miss Alli: You definitely can.
Wing: Shall I read the description?
Entire Bullpen: Obviously.
Wing: "32 year old Dede lives in a remote village in Indonesia with his two children, trying to care for them. Dede, a former fisherman, has an extraordinary skin condition: he has root like structures growing out of his body - branches that can grow up to 5cm a year and which protrude from his hands and feet, and welts covering his whole body. He is known locally as ‘Tree Man’" --
Miss Alli: By his incredibly uncreative neighbors.
Wing: I'm sure it's more colorful in the original Indonesian.
Sars: Come on, guys, calling him "Avon Barksdale"? You're not even trying!
Wing: [continues to read description; crowd is distracted by Tree Pun Olympics]
Sars: "Lord Of The Rings."
Miss Alli: "Twiggy."
Sars: "D.A. Arthur Branch."
Miss Alli: "Branch Rickey."
Joe R: D.A. Branch is played by Fred Thompson.
Joe R: Maaaaakin' a stump speech!
Wing: Hey, he just wants to know if the doctors can spruce him up a little.
Sars: Changin' his name back to Douglas...FIR God's sake. [pause] Gnarly.
[TWoP bullpen, afternoon. The subject under discussion: whether anyone on the editorial board besides Sars will admit planning to watch the next edition of The Apprentice, which "stars" such lesser lights as Marilu Henner, Tiffany Fallon, and a member of a famous acting family.]
Sars: "You know -- that Baldwin who isn't the fat one. ...Sorry, who used to not be the fat one, but now is."
Wing Chun: "They're all the fat one now."
Which is annoying. Ten years ago you could keep them all straight: the fat one (Daniel), the hairy one (Billy), Alec (Alec), and the other one (Stephen). Now it's Alec and...all the other fat ones. And Adam, who is 1) no relation and 2) not fat.
Speaking of the famous original fat one, Daniel, pictured above, I've started DVRing Homicide: Life on the Street on Sleuth. I love the show, but some of the reruns, I love...less. The "Bayliss pitches a hissy about his bi/Zen/cop website" era is not my favorite, and I never hated the guy as much as some, but shut up, Falzone.
1. Once And Again, Everwood, Queer As Folk (U.K. version), Battlestar Galactica, Third Watch
2. Dawson's Creek, ER, Ally McBeal, Friday Night Lights, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Heroes, Lost
3. Jericho, Smallville, Everwood, Heroes, The Real World
4. Tru Calling, Ed, Law & Order: SVU
5. Boomtown, Roswell, Felicity
Offer your answers here. We'll tell you tomorrow.
Glark: I call that one "Jugs."
Wing Chun: They're...all called "Jugs."
What...what's that racket coming from outside the window at TWoP Towers? Is that a cop directing traffic down on 49th? A Writers Guild picket line? A fire department emergency drill? Someone noisily telling people where to put the strands of lights on the Rockefeller Christmas tree? A homeless man with a bullhorn and a sandwich board, ranting about the apocalypse like in the New York City of our imagination? (We could go on...)
Oh, right. It's just Access Hollywood's Billy Bush, filming his stand-up segments for tonight's show. This isn't the first time the tranquil, serene mood of the TWoP bullpen has been violated by Billy's inane ramblings, but we still manage to be amazed, every time, by how effing loud he is. Not to mention that fake TV anchor's voice that sounds like it was manufactured in a lab. And the hair, which: ditto. And the shiny turquoise tie.
If we think of anything else to make fun of Billy Bush for, we'll let you know.
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