I get it. The Super Bowl is a blown-out-of-proportion commercial consumergasm, and we should all be better than that. All of that is justified, but as a football fan and die-hard Super Bowl apologist (yes, even this year), I was tasked with coming up with 10 good reasons to sit through the lengthy shillfest. And believe me, there are 10 reasons to watch it. I swear! Read on and I promise to share my hot wings with you.
1. There might be boobs.
Hey, it happened once; anything's possible. Boobs are unpredictable things, and no one's exploited the proceedings with a nudity/publicity stunt in five years now. I'm no statistician or whatever, but I'm pretty sure that means there's a 100% chance that we're due for one. Personally, I'm hoping it's Max Weinberg's moobs.
2. You won't have to watch a controversy-baiting PETA ad.
You know that rejected PETA ad the Internet made you watch earlier this week? Well, the good news is the Super Bowl loves you more than the Internet does, and won't be airing it. So you can just avoid the whole manipulative, press-whoreish thing and focus on sincere ads that matter instead. Like Bud Lite ones.
3. It's a low-pressure year.
I'm bracing for a Pittsburgh comment backlash, but let's face it: on a national scale, not a whole lot of people care about the Cardinals or the Steelers, so if you're worried about annoyingly intense Super Bowl party attendees, I assure you, they're not going to be like they were in years past. So let's just get drunk and watch giant dudes hit each other, already!
4. It's just like Friday Night Lights! (It's nothing like Friday Night Lights.)
Well, the parts in Friday Night Lights where balls are thrown around and people are running into each other and there are cheerleaders and Applebee's product placements and stuff -- those parts are exactly like Friday Night Lights. And who doesn't love Friday Night Lights, right? Also, there's nothing wrong with cheering for a team that actually isn't fictional every once in a while.
5. Kurt Warner and Larry Fitzgerald: Totally the Jim and Pam of the NFL.
Assuming you're a TV fan who doesn't really follow football, let me explain the match made in heaven-ness that is Arizona quarterback Kurt Warner and wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald. Basically, this NFL season has been one huge, very successful prank pulled off by these two, and all the other teams and individual players in the NFL are Dwight, crying in the barn with Mose after figuring out that, no, the CIA is not actually recruiting them. I'm not saying Warner and Fitzgerald make out, I'm just saying if I were these two and had accomplished what they had together, I don't see how I'd manage to resist it.
6. You gotta earn that Office special, son!
Speaking of Jim and Pam, nothing makes an Office special taste sweeter than enduring three-and-a-half hours of holding flags and brand-spankin'-new Cheetos commercials before it.
7. Because if Bruce Springsteen performs on television and you don't watch, you're literally a terrorist.
C'mon, it's a blue-collar halftime show! Stop being so insensitive to the working man, you filthy bourgeois traitor. Who is also a terrorist.
8. Because what else are you going to watch?
You're right, there are a lot of better options on at this time. I mean, the Speed Channel's got a Pimp My Ride marathon!
9. Watching sports on TV counts as exercise.
There are totally studies on this, probably. Watching sports, cheering, punching walls over bad calls, lifting a beer to one's mouth, reaching for nachos -- all of these things are the road to a new, slimmer you in the new year.
10. Bob Costas is captivating.
Even if you hate football, when the game is on NBC you get to be hypnotized by that pint-sized lullaby of sports enthusiasm, Bob Costas, every few minutes. And since this is the Super Bowl and every second of play matters deeply to both teams, you can bet on frequent penalty flags and booth reviews, which just means extra time with Bob. Just pretend football is an Olympic sport or something. (Sidenote: Is football an Olympic sport? It better be, because one time Angel told me trampolining is even an Olympic sport.)
Will you be watching the big show? Sound off below.
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