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TWoP 10: Worst Ways to Get on Reality TV

by Angel Cohn March 5, 2010 6:00 am
TWoP 10: Worst Ways to Get on Reality TV

We can understand what a thrill it must be to be chosen for a show like Top Chef or Project Runway or even American Idol (well, unless you are one of the terrible auditioners, in which case you'll be mocked by everyone) because it's an acknowledgement of some sort of burgeoning talent. But if a production crew is at your house filming your wedding preparations because you're such a maniacal shrew, you might want to reevaluate your life. Here are the top ten terrible ways to wind up as the focus of a reality TV series:

10. Be a Pharmaceutical Sales Rep (or Something Similar) Desperately Seeking Love
It's the desperation that's really required here. No matter how attractive these women might be, they need to be willing to compete for a guy who's dating and making out with approximately twenty other women at the same time, like The Bachelor. Or worse: they must want to fight for a man who can't even be bothered to remember their names (Flavor of Love).

9. Be a Has-Been Willing to Do Humiliating Things
We understand the appeal of wanting to extend your 15 minutes of fame for once-popular actors, but the extent that they will go to in order to keep their names in the public eye really has no bounds. It's just plain embarrassing to have to show the world that you've packed on 15 to 80 pounds (Celebrity Fit Club), or that you're an addict (Celebrity Rehab/Sober House) or are open to doing ridiculous activities (Celebrity Bull Riding Challenge) just to get on the tube.

8. Be a Golddigger
While it's nothing new in our society, it's still not looked upon very favorably, especially when it involves getting a call from the Millionaire Matchmaker. Nothing says "I'll do anything for money" like trying to land rich guys exclusively. Well, aside from appearing on I Love Money. Some golddiggers eventually get gigs as one of the Real Housewives or Girls Next Door (depending on their age and body type), but even though they're then surrounded by wealth, we all know that a bottomless pit of unhappiness lies beneath the opulent surface.

7. Weigh More Than a Beached Whale
It used to be that a person just needed to be a little chubby in order to win a spot on The Biggest Loser, but now being fat isn't enough. You need to be the fattest contestant ever, or a fat twin, or basically look like one of those nearly round human blobs in Wall-E. Precariously clogged arteries are also the key for landing on the likes of One Big Happy Family or Big Medicine.

6. Be a Terrible Parent
A mom or dad may seem grateful for the help of Supernanny, but if she shows up, they're admitting to the world that they have no parenting skills, which is fairly embarrassing. But the overbearing and pushy stage parents on Little Miss Perfect and Toddlers & Tiaras are actually even worse because they haven't made a cry for help - that'll be left up to their children in future therapy sessions.

5. Be Underpaid at a Job That Can Kill You
We admire the stars of The Deadliest Catch, Ax Men and Ice Road Truckers, but essentially they are on television because they bust their asses on endless shifts -- usually for peanuts -- and are always in danger of dying, drowning or losing a limb in the process.

4. Lose Guns or Cats Under Piles of Debris
If your house is so disgusting that the Department of Health is there, you've got issues. Or if Child Services is trying to take away your offspring because the clutter has reached epic proportions, that's beyond awful. No person should want the world to see that they maybe forgot they had a cat that is now decaying under piles of garbage, or that they possibly left a loaded weapon in some random place when their grandchild was coming over. Filling up the most garbage trucks should not be a life goal for anyone - anyone who doesn't want to be on reality TV, that is.

3. Get Pregnant in High School
Raising a child is hard and pregnancy is preventable. And yet, there are still plenty of teen girls out there who are potentially ruining their lives (or at the very least making them infinitely more difficult) so TV producers can fill up hours of 16 & Pregnant and Teen Mom and I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. For the record: getting pregnant solely to be on one of these shows is not a good idea. At all. Just in case some girls out there were thinking about it.

2. Have a Severe Alcohol or Drug Addiction
We applaud people for getting help on programs like Addicted or Intervention, but these are not reality shows that anyone should actually strive to be on. Seriously, we've watched far too many young people stick needles between their toes and/or nearly wind up in the hospital and/or cause their families immense amounts of strife. No one should want this kind of fame - or, at least, so we'd like to delude ourselves into thinking.

1. Have an Insanely Overactive Uterus
How manyTV producers want to create a show about an ordinary family with just one or two unremarkable kids. Answer: none. But when you start being able to refer to your kids as half a dozen or a gross or require a bus to get everyone from one locale to another, you've hit reality TV pay dirt. Is fame worth 18 years of seemingly nonstop diapers and vomiting? Let the Gosselins and Duggars be some kind of lesson to us all.

Honorable Mentions
Being chosen for Extreme Makeover Home Edition is not necessarily something to aspire to, since Ty and Co. usually only help the poor or downtrodden. And a chance at $1 million or not, a person might want to think twice about Survivor if it means living on a small island where one must fight for food, sit around in the pouring rain, get bitten by strange insects, maybe almost die and share close quarters with the likes of Russell Hantz.

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