Recent Comedy Central roastee and Celebrity Apprentice host Donald Trump has mentioned his interest in running for president of the United States, and while we laughed that off at first, apparently he's got a shot. According to a recent poll of Republican primary voters, he's currently the second choice to get the nomination. Maybe the American people love that comb-over after all? To prepare ourselves for the impossible coming true, we've looked ahead at Trump's first ten orders of business upon taking the Oval Office.
10. Pardon Rod Blagojevich
Since Trump was happy to give the disgraced former governor of Illinois a chance to burnish his image on Celebrity Apprentice, it seems likely that he'd officially take him off the legal hook once and for all the first chance he gets.
9. Replace Bald Eagle With Striking Cobra
We're sure mass national layoffs will be part of Trump's eventual budget plan, so it would make sense to change the country's national symbol to the animal that personifies his patented "you're fired" hand move.
8. Establish Trade Agreement with Slovenia to Import Models
Have you seen how stunning Trump's (current) wife is? Shouldn't everyone be so lucky? The Donald surely thinks so, which is why we predict he'll work hard to ensure that every American can afford their very own top model from Eastern Europe. (On a related note, we can't even imagine what Melania would wear to the inauguration. Wait, yes we can.)
7. Name Gary Busey Poet Laureate and Appoint Star Jones to Supreme Court
Few can turn a phrase like Gary Busey, and for that we're thankful, but Trump marvels at the actor's non-nonsensical lingo, so naturally he should be the cultural spokesperson for the entire nation. And Trump clearly thinks Star Jones is amazing, which is how she'll end up as Chief Justice of our highest court, finally getting the spotlight she always thought she deserved.
6. Divide Congress Into Men vs. Women
Trump knows no other way to do things, so he'll sign an executive order that turns representatives and senators into teams divided by sex. Their first order of business: come up with more authoritative-sounding names for themselves - something as good as Empresario or Apex.
5. Convert Washington Monument Into Luxury Apartments
That large phallic symbol in the middle of the Washington is basically a waste of space as far as the new president would be concerned, but it does have a fantastic view. Trump will tear it down, build a jumbo-sized replica of it and then sell condos inside to the highest bidders.
4. Rebrand the Country With Trump Moniker
Since he simply cannot abide anything not having his name on it, every major landmark will be renamed accordingly: Trump National Mall, Trump Capitol Hill, Trump Lincoln Memorial, etc. And, naturally, the White House will not only bear his name but undergo an extreme remodeling that will include 24-carat gold fixtures and a golf course installed where the Rose Garden used to be.
3. Balance the Budget By Calling Rich Friends
We can't even imagine the fundraising that will happen during the course of Trump's election campaign, but once in office, he'll balance the budget by ordering all politicians to call their wealthy supporters and ask for donations. (To be honest, this sounds uncomfortably like reality already).
2. Replace U.N. Delegates With Miss Universe Contestants
All current United Nations representatives and ambassadors will be forced to resign so that the Miss Universe pageant contestant from their respective countries can take their place. The swimsuit competitions will add a refreshing element to even the tensest negotiations. (Yes, we know the president doesn't actually control the U.N., but we're talking about Trump here.)
1. Officially Declare the U.S. the No. 1 Country Ever
It won't even be five minutes into his presidency before Trump decrees that the United States is the No. 1 rated country in the history of mankind. At the same time, he'll also mention his 100 percent approval rating. Whether either statement is totally true will be irrelevant, just as his actual Nielsen ratings are today.
Find out why Donald Trump hasn't officially declared his candidacy for president.
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