The Telefile

TWoP 10: TV Families We Wouldn't Want to Join

by admin December 2, 2011 6:00 am
TWoP 10: TV Families We Wouldn't Want to Join

Is your family driving you crazy this holiday season? In a time of high stress, it's important to take a moment and reflect on that fact that you're not stuck in one of the many horrible families from the current world of scripted TV. We're not talking about pain-in-the-butt relatives like those on Modern Family or Parenthood -- at least those crazies mean well. The following clans, on the other hand, make dysfunction seem luxurious -- just imagine what it would be like to call these characters your kin.

10. The van der Woodsen/Humphreys (Gossip Girl)
Even though you'd probably be beautiful, it comes at the price of having an anonymous stalker who follows your every move and blogs about it. You'd be related to some of the most self-absorbed, conniving people on the planet, with a mom on house arrest, no parent control whatsoever and crazy faux cousins plotting to steal your family's fortune.

9. The Hummel-Hudsons (Glee)
How's this for terrible siblings: One of your brothers is so selfish that he'll take the little money your parents have and make them pay for a fancy private school (and yet still find reasons to whine about everything all the time), while your other brother is a complete and utter moron. Sure, your parents are decent people, and it's certainly impressive that your dad can win a seat in Congress by a landslide in an election in which he was a write-in candidate (and his campaign manager was a high school Spanish teacher), but they're never around at home.

8. The Morgans (Dexter)
Assuming you didn't witness your birth mother's tragic death, you still have to deal with your freaky homicidal brother (cute son, though!), your attention-deprived neurotic sister and all of the crazies who were adopted in. We hope you like the Miami Police Department, because you'll work there forever.

7. The Florricks (The Good Wife)
Your father embarrassed and betrayed his family by sleeping with a prostitute and getting jailed for political corruption. Your mother is never home because she's either working late or having an affair with her boss (and her hair always looks better than yours). Then there's your sister, a naïve, friendless idiot who is hypnotized by YouTube, and your secretive brother who is easily manipulated by pretty girls. Don't get us started on your scheming snoop of a grandmother.

6. The Graysons (Revenge)
Clearly, this Hamptons family is terrible if you're one of the grown-up children. It's bad enough that your family history is a hotbed of lies and deceit, but at the moment, your dad is sleeping with your mom's best friend and likes your college buddies more than you. Your mom controls your dating life, investigating girlfriends and bribing boyfriends to leave you alone. To cap it off, you all have to pretend you're the perfect family by going to non-stop social events and garden parties... and did we mention the crazy girl who's using you in her quest to get revenge on your parents?

5. The Grey-Shepherds (Grey's Anatomy/Private Practice)
In case families full of doctors aren't stressed out as it is, your older sister may be one of the most irresponsible medical professionals in history, having single-handedly prevented her husband from finding a cure for Alzheimer's. Then there's a brother-in-law who is obsessed with building a house in the woods, a drug-addicted sister-in-law who recently disappeared from her job for 12 days and a half-sister who is systematically dating every single man in your (you work together, natch) hospital. For what it's worth, the dysfunction makes sense considering that your father was an alcoholic who demolished his liver and that your late mother (who cheated on your dad) cared more about her profession than she ever cared about you.

4. The Harmons (American Horror Story)
First of all, your house is filled with psychotic ghosts... and your sister totally wants to do some of them! Good luck asking your psychiatrist dad for advice, because he is terrible at his job (and a cheating jerk). Meanwhile, your mom never, ever pays attention to you because she's too busy getting into shouting matches with your pops.

3. The Teller-Morrows (Sons of Anarchy)
You want to know what's awful about being part of this family besides the fact that they are scary bikers whose lives are in constant danger? Your a-hole stepdad, who recently beat the crap out of your mom, is responsible for your biological father's death... which your mom actually may have been partly responsible for, too. To make matters worse, your brother (the pride and joy of the family) almost hooked up with his half-sister and is currently planning to murder your stepdad with the help of his girlfriend/baby mama. And consider yourself lucky if you don't ever have to associate with a perv who looks like Tom Arnold.

2. The Grimes (The Walking Dead)
We hope you like moving, because you'll never have a home thanks to all of the pesky zombies trying to kill you. Then there's the time your mom cheated on your dad while she thought he was dead, and the fact that you'll probably get shot in the woods.

1. The Gilberts (The Vampire Diaries)
You are 100 percent guaranteed to be murdered... no question.

Think you've got game? Prove it! Check out Games Without Pity, our new area featuring trivia, puzzle, card, strategy, action and word games -- all free to play and guaranteed to help pass the time until your next show starts.

What are people saying about your favorite shows and stars right now? Find out with Talk Without Pity, the social media site for real TV fans. See Tweets and Facebook comments in real time and add your own -- all without leaving TWoP. Join the conversation now!




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