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Killer Keeblers Cause Caan to Quit

by Odie Henderson April 23, 2008 10:14 am

David O. Russell is still directing movies, which proves that if you can make movies that are as terrible as they are incomprehensible, pseudo-independent studios like Fox Seachlight will give you money to make more. Russell is also still alienating his actors on set. First, it was George Clooney on Three Kings, then Lily Tomlin on I Heart (Mike) Huckabees. Now, according to the Hollywood Reporter, Russell has incurred the wrath of Sonny Corleone on the set of his latest, Nailed. I wouldn't drive through any toll booths or require in-home nursing if I were you, Mr. Russell.

The source of contention between Russell and James Caan is as surreal as the plot of Nailed. IMDb says Nailed is about "a naive small town waitress who accidentally gets a nail buried in her head, causing erratic and outrageous behavior that leads her to Washington DC." He should have called it How to Make An American Senator. Caan was to spend two days playing the Speaker of the House, and his character was scripted to choke to death while eating a cookie. Had it been a pretzel, the White House dog would be eligible for a role in the film. Russell asked Caan to cough while choking to death on the killer Keebler. Caan responded that one cannot choke to death and cough at the same time. The director asked Caan to do the scene with and without coughing. It was here that Caan should have reminded Russell that he played Sonny, not Hyman Roth, in the Godfather series: "I was the hothead, not the perpetual cougher, remember?" Instead, Caan got pissed off and left the set.

The big question in this story isn't "Why is David O. Russell still making movies?" or "Well, who are they going to cast as Senator Nabisco now?" The question is "can you choke to death and cough at the same time?" I'm not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV, so I decided to find out. I shoved my face full of Chips Ahoy cookies, but was unable to cause a choking incident. Next, I tried Cheez-Its, because they're smaller and more crumbly. Success! Not only did my blood pressure hit astronomical levels due to the salt content, I managed to clog my windpipe. Guess what? You CAN cough and choke to death at the same time, something I could have more easily learned by checking Wikipedia. Instead, the neighborhood pigeons had to save me from playing footsie with death.

I wonder if that role is still open. David, call me.

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